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Originally Posted by carenkh  I think you'll find things are very, very different on this forum. |
It's *better* here, certainly, than most places -- fark or slashdot, for example, where you have insecure geeks ready to snark at the drop of a hat. Still plenty of room to improve.
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Originally Posted by carenkh They are in my world as well! I don't have a single person in my life who'd trump me or try to hack me down if I shared something I was proud of. |
That is seriously a terrific thing! Additionally, be proud of yourself for cultivating such a great group of friends. But in my life, I see it
routinely, even within my own family, once I learned to look for it. I've had to sever friendships and temper others because the constant hacking and negativity was too much. (I can tolerate a lot against me, personally -- in fact, I expect it -- but you start hating on my friends and making them feel bad about themselves... ya gotta go!)
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Originally Posted by carenkh I've never seen it happen on these forums, either. |
mattpd's thread is a pretty good example of what I mean.
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Originally Posted by carenkh How the heck do you provide self-esteem for someone else? |
It's temporary self-esteem. A little boost. Probably stuff you do all the time without thinking about it:
- Give sincere compliments where appropriate.
- Join in celebrating their achievements. Give a "Holy smokes, you bowled a 220??? Dude, I've never gotten past 160!" instead of "Yeah, well Joey bowled a 240 just last week. It's not THAT big a deal..."
- Join in celebrating their possessions. (I personally think Americans, in particular, derive way too much self-esteem from their possessions, but I'm not gonna be able to change this anytime soon.) Gush over their new iPhone or plasma TV or outfit or whatever. Not too much, now, or it'll seem phony!
- Strongly consider NOT ARGUING with somebody if the point simply doesn't matter. Let them be "right", even if you're sure they're wrong. You'll leave them feeling better about themselves. For example, I'm never, ever, ever going to convince my family members not to be religious. No point in even going there. (And vice versa, of course.)
That sort of thing. It's a temporary boost, for sure. And of course it's going to be difficult, maybe impossible to change people's core beliefs about themselves. But when they're around you, they feel a bit better about themselves. I think that's pretty cool.
As a bonus, it benefits you in the ways I described above.**
A lot of it is sincerely trying to see things from their perspective. I think Dale Carnegie's book,
How to Win Friends and Influence People, covered it pretty well.
Conversely, I've noticed that when people feel worse about themselves -- maybe they're struggling with a weight problem or having trouble with their marriage -- they tend to do more hacking on others.
EDIT: I'm kicking myself for not including this, because I think it's very important: I couple the above handing out of "temporary self-esteem boosters" with my own confident, alpha body language and behavior, e.g. chin up, strong eye contact, strong deep voice, lean back, confident hand-shakes for the guys, hugs for the girls (in a social setting, of course), pay attention to your friends, crack jokes to amuse myself (not others), don't stare at the hotties, etc. I think this is crucial subcommunication because it makes the difference between "I'm a loser and I'm complimenting you because I want you to like me" (On a deeper level: "Pweease give me self-esteem -- i really need some!") and "I'm a great guy, and I have no need to take anything from you. But here. Here's some love." ("Have some self-esteem -- I've got *plenty*!) Basically, I subcommunicate that I am The Man, but I never, ever vocalize it. My thought that is if you vocalize it, you're essentially asking for validation that you are, indeed, The Man. And if you have to ask.... you aren't!
**
Please keep in mind that, well, I'm a guy. I'm still struggling with the question of whether this sort of behavior makes a woman significantly more attractive to men and a more effective leader of other women. I don't mean to be sexist; I just don't have that frame of reference!