[Breezy]

I think people have their bright pink glasses shattered somewhere at the age of 40, I think I got mine destroyed somewhere at 18. The more I get to know the world the more I think it is a total waste of my time. Before I looked into the future, thought how things could be, now, I really can't remember any single thing to care about.

A few of the biggest examples:

a) Family - I used to think my family as of the people with whom I can always speak and have some nice quiet fun. Now I hate coming home, I see bored and depressed people who like to discuss their problems with me. I always leave that place feeling even more down that usually, such visits have also managed to kill the good mood that I occasionally get.

b) Education - I was very passionate about learning, when I was in the 6th grade I read through all the history textbooks that were meant for older pupils. I used to watch educational channels, follows news, was interested in politics and couldn't wait until I would go to the university. After my first year I realised that they teach nothing specific, most of it is useless and I propably will forget everything afters exams. Here shattered one of my biggest dreams.

c) Career - Since I was a little child I always thought that I would become a career oriented person - a very skilled professional, growth oriented, career climbing, successful. Now I work for the best firm in its area in the world, so far I have been quite successful, I earn significally more than the country's average salary at my young age and......well, I still kind of like working, but the passion is gone. And it's not career specific, it's all careers.

d) Travel - I could spend days watching the travel channel, dreaming of my next trip. When one was planned I read up on the country, the history, the facts, I was the happiest person on the trip. Seriously, even simply driving the bus was fun, because I got to see the country, the people, the nature. Now, I could take a weekend off or plan a trip, but I just don't want to. I haven't watched travel in over a year.

e) Sports - I won many medals in a sport I did, I always wanted to be best. Now I don't know why bother.

f) Friends - We all dreamt of perfect friendships, I now view them as simply more annoying people in my life.

g) Women - A few days ago I went to the club with a girl that was beautiful, smart, outgoing and very nice to speak to, we were at the club until the early morning, dancing, and not only. In the morning I felt totally apathic, I could not care less and I did not want to see her. Once again, not specific to her, but all women.

h) People in general - the more I get to know them the more I realise that most of them have at least one quality that makes being around them impossible, but usually many -stupid, whiny, depressed, annoying, ugly etc. Even the most important people in the world are imbeciles (G. Bush)

So everything that I used to think made up a happy life has shattered, everything I used to live for, gone. I am totally disappointed in this world. It's grey, boring and only made of problems. I have, on countless occassions, tried to imagine a perfect life, but it comes out as impossible. And how can I imagine perfection, if nothing remains that I enjoy?! I have nothing to aim for, live for or to get up in the morning for.

Everything is bloody meaningless. I sometimes envy the ignorant, for example those who believe in God. They might be believing into something obscure, but at least they know why they get up in the morning.

I have no idea why I am writing it here, just venting I suppose....

PS. I am not suicidal.