Until now, I've never known what people were talking about when they babbled on about the courage it takes to take a good look at yourself and your life. I've been afraid when doing (or planning on doing) things that I know I have some kind of irrational fear of, but never when just thinking about them in an abstract sense. But just tonight, I was thinking that the answer to my questions must be something that I've never ever questioned before, and I was afraid. It was fleeting and weak, but it was the kind of fear normally reserved for public speaking or talking about personal subjects, the kind that gives you that acid-reflux feeling in your belly. It's like fear is the defense mechanism of this deeply implanted program in my mind, fear to prevent me from looking too closely at the thing that is directing my body. I kept wanting to go off and do something else, like read a book or check my e-mail, anything just to stop asking questions.
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