[The Cloud]

I just realized something. I destroy myself, sabotage myself, go against everything that I want, to exercise my own power in a perverse kind of way. I perceive that the people of the world want me to fail, but they can't make me. They can do so many things to me, they can hurt me in so many other ways, but they can never actually make me fail myself fundamentally. They need ME to do that for them. And I do it, just to spite them, to show them that I can do what they cannot. To show them that I have power where they have none. They get what they want, but they are beholden to me for it because they can't do it for themselves. Anyone can succeed; it is through my failure that I show that I own them rather than them owning me.

I don't know why I do this, but I'm not going to fight it until I know why I should. I finally feel like I'm moving forward, like things are really coming together and that all this effort was not for nothing. Like this whole system I've built up for myself has a sense of logic, a sense that can be figured out and finally be dismantled once I know what it is and how it was built.