[MyEyeIsOpen]

Thanks for all the thoughtful feedback, everyone.

I'm trying a "pilot program" tonight. I'll spare the details because they aren't important, but essentially she became upset about something extremely trivial, and I just didn't engage her.

I think it was sort of working, because she was straddling the line between dark mood and normal mood for a while, instead of spiraling into darkness, but it sort of fizzled. Maybe I did the wrong thing, I'm still practicing at this -- we had planned to settle down for a movie at a certain time, and I came downstairs at that time and asked her if she was ready to watch.

"If you want to," she said, in a really dour tone, with a really terrible look on her face. This is where I might have messed up -- I asked her what was the matter.

"Nothing is the matter," in the same dour tone.
"Hey, stop. If you're going to be like that, I don't want to hang out."
"Then don't hang out," she said.

So I said alright, unemotionally, and walked away. Shortly after she went to bed.

I'm resisting the urge to consider my circumstances "special" or "different," but I am skeptical that this will work for her -- she is so deeply stubborn, and this script is so thoroughly ingrained, I'm afraid that disengaging will cause some sort of relationship self-destruct. I think that's a fear I need to let play out to move past this though, I realize that.

Despite my calm reaction tonight, it really does hurt me deeply. It makes me angry -- I think, how could you keep doing this to yourself? To me? I feel physically drained. Like I said in my first post, I'll be coasting along feeling great, when one of these moods will come out of no where, and it's devastating to me.

What do I do with all this upset? I can't respond or engage her in any way, so when she hisses and snarls for no reason at 9pm on Sunday when we're supposed to watch a movie, my only option is to sit and just "deal" with the upset. I get to stew for a couple hours before I go to bed feeling down, and wake up next to her, who I know with certainty will wake up in just as ♥♥♥♥♥♥ a mood she was in when she fell asleep, like clock work.

I know I should disengage even on that level, but some part of me resists the disengagement. I feel like it's the only realistic option I have to feel better about the situation, but going through with the disconnect will mean the end of the relationship. Just like tonight, I can fully see the following scenario playing out:

Me (unemotional): Listen, this relationship isn't good for me. I feel like it's holding me back. I want to be with you because I think you're amazing, but I can't if you drain me the way you do.
Her (unemotional/deadpan): Fine, then leave.
Me: Ok.

And I'd walk away, and the movie ending would be her running after me saying: Oh don't be a silly ****, I love you too much to let you go, let's work it out. That's what I want... I want her to be motivated to keep me enough to move past this crappy mindset.

That won't happen -- she'll do the emotional equivalent of what she did tonight: go to sleep.

She'll be totally ****ing devastated, as will I, but she won't lift a finger to stop it. It'll play right in her "I'm not good enough to love" script. And if I come back it'll enable the same negativity. It feels like a lose-lose situation.



While I'm off on a long winded rant, I might as well throw in there that "there are plenty of fish in the sea" applies to me less than most. I am confident in my ability to get any woman I want to get, but there are certain things I look for that are almost impossible to find. Just one of my criteria limits my selection to around 3315 American women. The other major factor limits that number to an optimistic 1500, and there are other factors that narrow the range to more like 300 people... maybe I should learn Mandarin to expand the pool, lol.

My point is that I have reason to believe that if I can't make this work with the woman I love so very deeply, that I will never find another. I'll have plenty of company, but not the companionship I will crave forever. Maybe putting up with this devastation every few days is worth it.