I suspect that something happened when you were a child, and you decided something about yourself, like "I am ____." This old pain belief gets reactivated over and over again by these departures -- your unconscious trying to prove that "I am ___" is not so and also trying hard to avoid anyone seeing that it IS so. It's exhausting and upsetting, and everyone has these beliefs that get reactivated; they just come in different flavors.
What's the earliest time you can remember feeling this panicky sad upset torture feeling? What happened? How old were you? Who was there? What was said? What did you make it mean: "I am ____." ?
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