Hm, well that didn't go well. Essentially the same pattern began to play out, and while in the angry phase, I told her she was in her angry phase and I didn't want to take part in it. I wanted to focus on being constructive, and I even cut her off at one point while she was about to throw a barb, and I said I didn't want to hear that, I wasn't interested in it. She shut up and let me talk, but used another tactic I didn't mention before -- she'll be quiet and look at me as though she's listening, but I'll finish talking and she'll remain silent. This means she literally was not listening to what I was saying at all. The conversation will literally go:
Her: *Silence*
Me: What do you think about what I just said?
Her: I don't think anything.
Me: Were you listening?
Her: No.
It's like a cutoff valve for her -- if I talk to her and she doesn't want to listen, she simply doesn't listen.
So I stopped talking to her, and told her why. She was on her way out with the boys and invited me to come along. This another "tactic": she'll derail any constructive conversation I try to have, ignore me, then at the very end, when I'm thoroughly upset and frustrated by her emotional stonewalling, she'll give some very small concession. I point out that she's just spent the last long while making me feel terrible, and that taking me on some random errand where it's impossible to talk because the kids are with us, will not make up for it.
At this point, she'll always say "Well, don't say I didn't offer," like she was the one trying to bridge the communication gap the whole time and I'm just being unreasonable.
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Did I mention she's really an amazing lady, and we really do have a great relationship most of time? I know it sounds awful based just on what I've written here, and clearly it's an issue worth resolving, but for those of you confused as to why I'm still with her, this isn't really representative of most of our time together. Sometimes love is worth fighting for.
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Anyway, I need strategies to get around this series of tactics. The issue is that they are all self supporting... if I start to overcome one script, another is in place to be a "fail-safe" almost, to prevent the cycle of negativity from stopping. I think that's why an otherwise happy and amazing woman still has these deeply destructive behaviors.
Maybe I should make a list of tactics she uses and come up with ways to undermine each. Not sure that's possible, they are pretty deeply entrenched. Might be worth a shot. What do you think?
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