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Originally Posted by Sentient  The best outcome is talking openly about things without attachment to the issues. You might think that means I would disagree with Steve. However, if your wife is firmly caught in running her patterns, you probably need to use Steve's advice first to help her break them. Then once you're in a more productive space you can move on to the real truth through honest communication. |
You can decondition a pattern and openly discuss it at the same time. For example, I'll say something like, "I can see that you're running a destructive pattern right now, so I can't participate with you in this. I care about you very much, but if you want to continue running this pattern, you'll need to do it on your own. I hope you can see that I can't reward this kind of behavior. It just isn't me."
When I decline to reward a destructive pattern, I also talk about what I'm doing and why. This doesn't necessarily help at the time it's happening, but in the long run, it seems to help break the pattern faster, since the other person comes to see that you aren't just stonewalling and that you're genuinely trying to help.