Hello everyone,
I've been reading a lot of the threads on this forum and a lot of them center around the
"I'm not in the (any) relationship I want" debate. I've been replying to various threads, but I'd like to share my larger thoughts on the issue.
First off, let me say that I'm a young guy (18) and I've never been in a serious relationship. This means I'm
certainly not a relationship expert. But I
do have experience in knowing what it is like to not have the kind of relationship you want. The thoughts I offer past this point are those that came to me out of my own internal discussion that helped me deal with this problem. I figured if it helped me it might help some of you, so I'm sharing.
From everything I've noticed from people who are in relationships to those that have had lots and are dissatisfied, and even to those who are in ones they think are great here is a couple points I've noticed:
- Being in a relationship doesn't fix your problem. People who are in poor relationships want better ones. People who are in great relationships have completely different problems.
- The intense feelings of romance and attraction are temporary. Sure they are great, but they are insubstantial and too impermanent to chase forever.
- The people who want relationships most are the least likely to get them.
You might think I’m full of crap or you might think that these observations just won’t apply to you. The fact is people are far more alike than they are different. The mere observation that many people are going through this exact feeling of loneliness shows those similarities. Since I’ve viewed many relationships from an objective standpoint these conclusions aren’t from personal experience but from personal observation.
Having Someone Won’t Fix You
There seems to be the tendency that if you get a relationship then your life will magically be better. From everything I’ve viewed, this really isn’t the case. When you get into a relationship one of two things will happen:
1) You won’t like the relationship and you’ll want a better one.
2) You’ll be in a great relationship that is everything you want (rare). When you get into this state your mind automatically shifts to completely different problems.
Relationships won’t solve your day-to-day happiness. If you’re in a relationship and you focus on how you’re grateful for that, sure it will boost that happiness, but being grateful for
anything can boost your happiness so that doesn’t really count. I am grateful for having a good group of friends, that makes me happy when I focus on it. We
all have things we can be grateful for to make us happy.
(My overarching theory of happiness is that growth/purpose is the only true quantity that gives happiness, but that is a whole other discussion
Scott H Young » Balancing Today and Tomorrow)
If you’re like me and you haven’t been in a serious relationship it can often be hard to see this. But I’ve talked to many people who have been in relationships and they confirm my suspicions. When you’ve been in and out of relationships either you secretly hope for a better one or you stop thinking about it and focus on something else.
For those of you who are in the (what I’ve observed as temporary) feeling of romance and attraction, congratulations. That is an experience that is small and powerful but generally doesn’t last. Like the feeling people get at the birth of their first child “falling in love” is beautiful but it is just another brief phase of life.
When it comes, appreciate its fragility, but at the same time don't be upset when it it's gone. That's life.
The next thing I’ve noticed is that people who get caught up in this “a relationship will fix me myth” are inherently less attractive. Sometimes they will still wind up with someone, but this is less likely because all relationships are based of an equal amount of give and take. How can you possibly give someone what they need (attraction, emotional connection, support) when you are obsessively focused on what you need?
What to Do
Again, really not the expert on this considering I’m still in the process of moving forward with my relationship success. But here is the conclusions I came to which might be useful to you:
1) Relationships are less about
having and more about
doing. Stop looking to have a relationship like it is something you can own and start trying to understand relationships and do them in such a way so that both parties gain. This applies to every relationship not just your intimate ones.
2) Relationships are a matter of degree and less about labels. Having a ‘friend’, ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ or ‘spouse’ is a label. Labels can be helpful in communicating a level of commitment and trust between two people, but they are useless to strive after.
3) Life is about growth, not destination. Stop thinking about getting to a certain point in a relationship and think about how you can improve the relationships you already have. Improving yourself to get relationships is great, but it is the improvement that will make you happier not reaching some arbitrary point.
I fully believe that everyone should strive to get what they want out of life and out of their relationships. If you’re feeling alone right now, just remember that you aren’t alone in feeling lonely. Good luck to everyone and their personal growth.
-Scott