I dunno...sounds like you're still resisting. There are many contradictions in the world of spirituality but they can all be true at the same time.
I would work on digging even deeper into yourself - it's tricky separating what you know is true from what "you" want to be true.
I would advise you to just be open and accepting and trust the Universe. On the rare occasion when I've been allowed to peer into the real Reality, the dominate theme has been a quiet, calm "It's OK. Everything's going to be fine, child. Do your best and be happy."
I wish you peace.
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