How come every answer only leads to more questions? None seem to lead me to a point where there is something I can do, where I can be allowed to finally do something worthwhile for myself. Every time I do something, even if I want it badly, the anger of fighting the whole world for it builds up until I stop wanting it altogether. I'd be willing to fight if I still wanted it, but I just stop caring. And that's all I know how to do. All the choices that I have boil down to either anger or apathy. I cycle between being relatively relaxed but not caring about anything, and being angry but driven toward a desire. I wish I knew another way, I wish I could learn another way, but the way of being driven without anger seems unimaginable to me. I just don't know how to do it.
Sometimes I catch just a glimpse of it, just a fleeting moment of a feeling that nothing can stop me. Not that I can defeat all my enemies, but that enemies do not exist, that I have all the power there is in the world. Power without strain, stress, or effort. But I don't know how to take a hold of this power, I don't know how this feeling is triggered and I don't know what it is that I can't stop fighting.
Everybody says that personal development is hard. I have never once found it to be hard, because it's a battle against nothing. The battle is to figure out what it is I am battling. I'm told not to give up. I swore to Angela that I would not quit. That oath meant nothing because I don't know how to quit, I don't know what it is that I could quit. That's just the problem; I don't know what to quit doing so that I can do the right thing for myself. I don't know what sinkhole I am investing my energy into.
I don't understand how anyone that knows that they're doing something wrong could just quit looking for that wrong. Difficult? The difficult thing, the impossible thing, would be TO quit, to stop looking, to stop caring. The most difficult thing I could do right now is to quit this search and resign myself to life as it is now. How anyone can do that is beyond me. It just boggles my mind how blind people can choose to be, how they can know that they aren't happy and that what they are doing is not making them happy and just turn a blind eye to it.
That's the core of my problem; I feel as if I have to fight the philosophy of every one of these brainless, spineless nimrods just to feel alive. Every single one of them is there to show me how wrong I am, and how meaningless and hopeless my desires are. Every one of them feels like an anchor in my butt, holding me back. I know they aren't, I know that's not how things truly are, but that doesn't change that I don't know
how to release this responsibility I feel toward these people to get them to change. I was implicitly taught that other people aren't responsible for their lives, but that I am. My mother wouldn't take responsibility for her sad parody of a marriage to my step-father, my step-father would blame everyone but himself (and usually me) for everything that went wrong, and nobody else was there to teach me any better. I just don't know another way to live.
It's not that it's too hard to change, or that I'm not willing to change. I just don't know how. There are many people on this forum that can explicitly tell me how I could live a life of prosperous responsibility. I may even number amongst them. But I have nobody to really implicitly
show me how to live that way. It's one thing to have a blueprint, and another thing entirely to build a house. I guess that I'm just venting my frustration about having to build a house with just a blueprint, while surrounded by people that think I should be satisfied with living in a cave like them. And it doesn't help that, since I refuse to live in a cave, I no longer have a roof over my head and am exposed to the elements.
At least, thanks to everybody here, I know that houses can and are being built. I just wish I knew a bit more about plumbing
.