[MyEyeIsOpen]

My wife and I have been together for many years, and we are madly, deeply in love. We both reach for "enlightenment" and agree fundamentally in our world view.

I recently had a religious experience that really pushed the spiritual envelope. I feel that I broke through "the veil" -- I, as my higher self, perceived my ego as the tool, the puppet that it is. The nonsense and futility of physicality isn't something that I merely believe now -- I've seen it, I've held it in my hands, and I know what it is.

I've had trouble getting back there lately, which is why I'm writing.

My beautiful Wife

As beautiful, brilliant, and strong as she is, my wife suffers from a mild mood disorder called cyclothymia, and sometimes it feels like it'll rip us apart emotionally, but even if it doesn't, it's very clear to me that it's holding back her development.

Her energy is unstable, and it's often drained. I believe she uses me as an energy source which is very draining for me as well -- what will often happen is that I feel fine or even great, and she'll sink rapidly into a dark mood. It happens in the morning frequently -- I'll wake up feeling good, and she'll wake up soon after, and there will be an instand down -- I can see it her eyes.

After some time of being in the dark mood, me trying to bring her out, she'll feel better... but I'll be in that dark mood. It feels like she's passing her funk to me, but I don't want to stop her -- she has no where else to put it, and I love her!

Which is why I'm trying to teach her to put it somewhere. I want her to let go of some of the baggage that she has, that's weighing her down, and weighing me down as well.

Unable Face her Demons

The problem is that part of her issue is that she can't face herself -- I'll give a typical example:

I mentioned the color paint I wanted in the hallway was different than what she had in mind, and after a brief conversation in which I was asking her what feeling she was going for instead of focusing no the color itself, she stormed upstairs, visibly upset.

She has some control issues -- it's very upsetting to her when she makes a plan and someone wants to do something different.

So I go try to calm her down since we're literally talking about paint colors, and I try to say it's not a big deal, and to relax and start over.

At this point in these conversations, she goes into attack mode. She starts saying nasty things and insinuating that I don't love her, or that I should leave her.

I work through that portion of the conversation by not engaging in the nastiness. She moves on to the self attacking at that point, where she says that she's worthless, and a bad wife, and I should move on, and our marriage isn't going to work because she treats me like ****.

At this point I somehow distract her -- get her chocolate, make her laugh with one of our scripts (we have a few contingency plans for these moods, as they happen fairly frequently, and they are predictable in their pattern). If everything works properly, she cries for a little while, we reaffirm our love for each other, and then her moves on to being a little down but moving around for the rest of day.


These episodes are very draining for me, and I believe they could be conquered in large part if she would face her demons, but the nasty phase and the self attack phase prevent her from doing that.

Instead of focusing on what is happening at the moment -- in this case, paint colors and reacting poorly to change of plan-- she goes straight to beating herself up over how it's all her fault. I try to tell her that it doesn't matter whose fault it is, and no is assigning blame, but it falls on deaf ears. There is never any productive demon-conquering.

What this is Not

This is not a cry help. I am strong enough to reject an energy drain, and I can choose to leave. I can raise my vibration if I choose to... but I want to bring her. I want to have the intimate connection I have, AND not be dragged down.

I was told recently that we're together for her to show me something, and I this might be it -- expedient means. How can I direct someone that I love, who is fundamentally willing to raise themselves, to conquer their demons and fly?

That's the advice I need. How do I love someone so deeply, and so completely that their baggage and cruft slips away, leaving only the pure light underneath?

Once I know that, I'll be ready to move on.