Wow. This entire thread has blown me away.
First I would say read -
Self Acceptance vs Personal Growth. It explains the acceptance vs growth mindset in a new way that may allow you to come to terms with the strange duality.
Second I would ask: Who are you? I mean, you've told me all about your personality problems, your past experiences and all the labels you've put on yourself, but you haven't actually told me who you REALLY are. What you can write down in a post is not who you really are.
Thirdly: I can't help but see many undercurrents in your writing. You know this, and you know that. You've learnt all the whatevers and hoodeedoos! You've got it all figured out and know exactly how it all works, except, in reality, it doesn't work for you at all. Now it can't be something you don't know, because you know everything right? Think about that for a bit. If it's not working then you don't know it all. Now if you don't know the answer, and everything you know doesn't work, then nothing you know is actually important, and nothing you know makes a difference. Everything you know, is worthless!
That means it's time to look for something completely new. Something so different to what you already know it will blow your socks off. You have to ignore everything you learnt for now and start from a blank slate. Don't worry, it will still be there when you want it, but you can't use it from now on, at least as long as it doesn't work.
Thinks I can see you looking at:
Dissolving the illusion of past and future. You talk about becoming something else, getting better and other future things. The reality is that there is no future, and there is no past, outside of what you can imagine. When you project into the future you are projecting from right now into there, and it's a realm of make believe where nothing is real. If you want access to true power to really make a difference, you will have to become present and focus on right now, instead of later, or before.
Dissolving the illusion of other people. You talk about other people as if they are fundamentally different from you, that there's something they have that you don't. You also think if you can just be enough like the other people around you, that everything would be better. This is also false. The reality of it is that all people are pretty much the same, just minor amounts of uniqueness and a whole lot of similarities. Most people have the same capabilities and the same potential. Some might be a little smarter, some might be a little more athletic or a little more adept, but it's what we do with it that really makes the difference. Other people can't give us anything we don't already have, everything we need is within us already, and the best way to get ahead is by using our natural birth gifts inside us. If you compare yourself to someone else you will always come up lacking in some area, that's just a part of life.
These are two great places to start, and there's lots of information all throughout Steve's blog about these.