What happened happened. It's not your fault; you were a little kid. You were also not responsible -- again, you were a little kid, and what was being asked of you emotionally was beyond the reach of a little kid. Was it someone else's fault -- like your mom's? Like: she should be punished, or apologize to you, before you are willing to be happy, satisfied, or fulfilled? Because if that's the case, then you really do have no power. Your happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment is completely and utterly out of your hands.
The way I see it, it doesn't matter who was responsible at the time for what happened. You suffered. And The Cloud, here's the thing: as much as you have suffered, you can count on it that everyone else has suffered just as much. That's the past. And here's what YOU are responsible for: What are you going to do with it now? Are you going to choose thoughts about it that feel good, or thoughts that feel bad? The choice is 100% yours, and 0% anyone else's. You have all the power in the world.
These thoughts of "I need someone else to take the burden away from me" -- do you feel good when you think them? I'm guessing probably not, because just because you think you need something from someone does not mean they're going to provide it to you. And all your ability feel good is in the hands of that person. Maybe it feels good in that itchy vindictive vengeful sense, but that's not Real Good Feeling, and you know it.
What if you were to take on thinking thoughts that have you feeling a little better? What if you were to practice being generous with yourself and everybody else. You were a little kid, and you did the best you could. Your mom was not a great mom, and she did the best she could with the resources she had. Who are you to say things shouldn't have happened the way they did? The DID happen the way they did, so all the shoulds in the world aren't going to make a whit of difference. Now you are an adult, and many of the resources you have now are BECAUSE of what you have experienced so far. These experiences have not diminished you; they have made you EXPAND -- you are expanding right now. You have the power to forgive, even if you don't choose to use it right now. That's a pretty big power! If and when you choose to, you could feel good about your relationship with your mom, and your relationship with life, just because you say so -- just because you declare that you are ready to leave the past in the past. No actions, words, or thoughts from anyone else necessary. You can live a life that you're in love with because you say so.
Of course it may take some practice! You've been holding onto your bad feelings for quite some time, so it may take some diligence and commitment to feel good on purpose, to deliberately think thoughts of forgiveness of yourself for being a powerless child, and her for being a mother who didn't live up to your standards of what a mom should be.
It's simple, but I never said it was easy!
One thing it all is is: YOUR CHOICE.
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