[The Cloud]

I've been exploring "It's my fault," and it makes sense. I think that what I learned in my childhood, from my mother and probably from other sources, is that other people are not responsible for their actions or emotions. But even as a child, I recognized that SOMEBODY had to be accountable for those actions, that they weren't just random natural disasters.

So, in lieu of other people, I took the responsibility on myself. If something went wrong that I was involved in at all, it was inevitably an error on my part, and was somehow always my responsibility to do something about it. But it wasn't actually my responsibility, as often the problem was caused by somebody else, so I couldn't actually do anything to change those actions. Thus responsibility turned into blame, because I was obviously inadequate to this impossible task of catering to the whims and actions of people that had no personal responsibility.

Other people's positive actions even became a bane to me. Every accomplishment somebody achieved was just another responsibility that I had to live up to, even though it was impossible for me to live up to the culminated accomplishments of humanity. So even other's achievements became a condemnation of myself.

This was and is my life, a life of responsibility without power. Of guilt and blame with no possibility of rectification. I know I'm missing something here, but I feel like a little kid. I just want somebody to take the responsibility away. I don't want it anymore. I want somebody to stand up and say "This is my responsibility, these are my choices, and you have no part of them. They aren't yours anymore." I know that won't work, it's my own perception that is creating this, but I want somebody to take it away from me. I know that desire is key, it's the key to something. I'll make sense of it somehow.