So from the top... Up until the age of 12 i was a popular kid, had a big circle of friends, friends i grew up with all my life, one could say i was as happy as a kid could be.
At the age of 13 my parents moved house, I saw my friends less and less as it was a 30 minute bus journey from my new house. At much the same time I started secondary school, it was about this time in my life everything changed.
My brother (2 years my senior) suffered really badly with bullying, we were kids with ginger hair (ugh!
) and our dad had what was seen as a not very respectable job (scrap metal dealer). As I saw my brother getting bullied and in fights almost daily I guess i pinpointed why he was getting bullied:
1. his hair
2. our dads job
So, while i thought there was nothing i could do about 1. I thought to myself that I could sure as hell avoid talking about/acknowledging 2.
In essence I closed up to my peers, I spent far too much energy avoiding getting to know people so that they wouldnt get to know me...just incase they found out what my dad did...I couldnt allow anyone to know.
I did receive some bullying, which ended up in me moving schools 3 times. with the beauty of hindsight i can see how me shying away and having these 'issues' made me an excellent target, that and my mother being almost hysterical as she'd went through it all and worse with my brother she was quick to move me to other schools.
Anyway, the bullying I'm over...i dont hold any mallice towards anyone that bullied me tho in hindsight i wish id done more to help out my brother as he has some major anger issues which im pretty sure stem from his school days.
Where I'm going with this is that from 13 onwards my social circle and self confidence dwindled... I turned to video games and they became my release. Most of my nights id come home from school, put on my playstation/dreamcast and waste the hours till bed time only to repeat the next day.
That was pretty much my life 13-17, infact even though in college (which i dropped out of after a year) I did make some friends I didn't feel very 'connected' to them and my addiction to games worsened.
Sometime into being 17 I did however start going out with my cousin on the weekend and by sheer luck met a girl who had more issues than I did. We quickly became an item and spent the next 4 years living together. Though she had a lot of 'issues' even she realised we werent suited and finally after a couple of break ups in those 4 years we eventually split.
It was about age 21 that I decided it was time to find some direction, I was working in retail and back living at home...more unhappy than ever!
This was my rock bottom. It was after the split with my ex that I addressed my primary concerns a) getting myself a career and b) getting better with women.
So, I enrolled in college and started reading and watching various dating materials (david deangelo, mystery method, rsd - blueprint etc).
During college this time round i stuck it out..I made a few friends (i use the term loosely...they werent the type of people i could rely on but wed often go for a drink after college) and actually made 1 really good friend. I also asked a girl out from college and went out with her for a few months.
So while some areas of my life are really starting to take off (such as my career) I feel somewhat stifled by my social circle (or lack thereof).
I really have internalized some of the concepts david d and the blueprint put forward. I'm more accepting of myself, I'm confident, I try to draw my happiness from within instead of looking externally, I dont people please.
So where does all this bring me to? I feel some parts of my personality are incongruent with my lifestyle. I'm a self assured, confident guy, I can be funny BUT I just dont have the lifestyle to go with the above.
Outside of work I'm not out that often, I've recently got back in touch with a friend from my early years (knew her from 1-12) which means I occasionally venture out to her place where we sometimes watch films/heroes and have a drink once in a while with a couple of her friends. This alone isnt enough, I feel like the life I lead is miles away from what everyone else has.
I'm guessing most people went through school, made and maintained friendships and do 'stuff'... but because I didn't I dont have many friends, im not doing much 'stuff' and I feel inadequate.
It's like on a large scale I can see where I'm going, in a couple of months ill have joined uni, in a years time ill be travelling thailand (with said friend) and in a few years time ill be in the career I want.
But on a smaller scale, day to day things are just boring....and i dont want them to be!
So what am I looking for here? Well by airing my thoughts it feels already like a weight has been lifted, you, the forum of stevepavlina.com are the first to see my deepest insecurities.
I'm looking for a way to get from boring and predictable to spontaneaous and fun. I of course want to date the women I find most attractive, but that is linked with me having a great life and good circle of friends (which I want irregardless of women)
I guess what I'd like to read is maybe your story and how youve built up the life and friends you love.
p.s. im not really in the best frame of mind and have just spat out my thoughts as they came, this is the thick of how im feeling tho.
Thanks.