Quote:
Originally Posted by Angela  So in the meanwhile you've found a way to cope, to survive -- adopting this thought that it's okay to hurt people -- to hell with them -- nobody's gonna tell me what to do or how to think. But that's a pretty stressful perspective for you, isn't it? It seems like the way to get what you want, but it bears a hefty price tag for you. It's a survival mechanism, but I don't think it's how you want to live your life; it's not very inspiring as a life purpose, is it? |
It's not that I'm actively seeking to hurt people. I'm just tired of living a life catering to other people's pain. Why is the pain they inflict on themselves because of me more important than the pain I inflict on myself when I don't do what I want to avoid harming them? Why is their pain always more important than my pain? A life based around other people's suffering is no life at all. They harm themselves, I can't stop them, I can't make the choice for them, and so I'm not going to live my life based around their decision to blame me as the source of their suffering. "I am your suffering" comes to mind. I think the reason I'm still angry is because I'm mad at people for making me a scapegoat for their feelings.
If I confront my mother now, it's true I might give her an excuse to feel bad. But it's not my fault. I don't want to be responsible for other's pain and anger anymore. Maybe she has some responsibilities as a mother to help me get past this situation that she has placed me in. I'm not mad at her for what she did. I'm mad at her for not taking responsibility for it. I feel as if it was my fault that I was put in that situation, that I had choices that I didn't have, that I could have done something differently. But that's not true. She's the one that did that, she's the one who created that situation. I guess I just want to be able to feel as if it's not my fault anymore, and maybe that if she takes the burden off my shoulders I won't have to carry it any longer.
"It's my fault." I think that's it. All of this, everything that has gone wrong in my life, it's all my fault. I'm not blaming my mom. It's not a blame-feeling that I get when I think about what she did. I just want her to really recognize that she is the one that did it. Maybe you're right, and I should wait until this is over and through with. But I don't feel that is the right thing to do. I need to talk to her about this. She's my mother, and in this situation I'm still just a small child, her child. And finally, after all these years, I actually need to be cared for.