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Originally Posted by NeedaNewStart  My first boyfriend cheated on me when I was 15 with my best friend. Much of my trust and insecurity issues stem from this I believe. Seeing as this insecurity and jealousy has affected most of my relationships or at least the ones I cared about. I have an appt with a counselor to try and tackle this problem, I guess I just wish it were a light switch and be able to fix this right away  |
I have found that the first relationship of people use to determine the image of relationship you have for other relationships.
If someone cheated on you, you should not blame yourself. I was cheated too by my fiance about 10 years ago. You use to blame yourself until you understand that those who cheat have a serious problem of ethics. But their ethics is their problem, not yours.
You are worthy of good people, worthy of love. But if you blame yourself you may think you are less, that you do not deserve what you have. Basically your selfesteem is crushed and you feel fear and jealousy.
I learned that when you even look for a relationship, you are taking a risk. The question is if you are ready to go all the way. It may work, of it may not work. And you may need to accept it and detach from results.
The good think about detachment is that you are not attached to your couple, and therefore you learn to love. You stay because you love, not because you need.
Marriage is like a plane trip. You need a reliable copilot, someone who can support you when you can't pilot, but in the end you are the pilot of your life. You won't stay in the plane begging your copilot not to bail out. You just fly and enjoy the company. The goal of having someone else is to grow together and both have personal development thanks to each other. If it is not happening, there is something really wrong.
I know the pain of being cheated. But it does not show your worth, just the blindness of someone with ethical problems who could not see your worth. You are very worthy, and do not let anyone to convince you of the opposite.
And you have in me someone who wants you to be fine. I am sure you will honor that expectation of mine. So no matter how dark things seem, you will know that someone wants you to be fine.
Attachment does not let you love. Detachment gives freedom to stay or leave, but you stay because you love. You have not learned to love, because you still feel attachment.
Attachment could have come from early childhood, when your mom left you alone for a certain period of time. So do not mix past and present.