Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. I think the majority of our problem springs from a cycle we are in. He is unemployed at the moment (I am the sole breadwinner). This makes him understanably depressed (he is more "old fashioned" – wanting to take care of me). His way of dealing with stress and depression is to shut it out, basically try to ignore it or mask it with alcohol or marijuana. He had given up smoking for a while trying to join the Army, but that fell through and caused him to be even more down and revert to his old ways. I am more of a communicator. When he withdraws, spends the majority of time with friends drinking or just hanging out, flips on the tv as soon as he gets home...I feel so left out and helpless...all I want to do is make things better for him. On top of that, I have the stress of my full time job and all the household responsibilities. My solution would be to talk about it, try to figure out ways to make it better, but he just gets frustrated with me when I try this and withdraws more. Then I begin to wonder whether he even loves me at all (even though he always tells me he loves me). I begin to question whether he is really just hanging out with the guys when he goes out. It partly has to do with my own insecurity and partly to do with our radically different communication and coping styles. I hope that by being a positive force in his life, I can help us overcome this cycle. Of course I don't want him to stay with me if it's not what he wants, but if he truly loves me, I want to improve the quality of our life together. And if he does not love me or want to be with me, I want him to have the best possible life wherever that leads him.
Just a note, yesterday, after I spent most of the day thinking positive thoughts about us, he called me and said he and his friend were going to work on the yard at our house (his domain, but something that's been neglected). Then they brought the washing machine in and hooked it up (I've been waiting for that one for a while). His friend slept over so they could get up this morning and go look for jobs. Last night he came to bed at a reasonable hour and didn't turn on the tv! That's almost like a miracle to me. He even opened up a little...just kind of talking about the plans they had for job hunting and how he's been feeling. All yesterday evening, I made a point to just go about the evening...helping make dinner (he's a great cook), getting through the dishes, making myself scarce so he and his friend could watch some tv...without making any negative comments or nagging in any way. It all paid off. Whenever a negative thought tried to creep in, I just told it to go away and tried to replace it with a positive one.
I know this is a really long post. Thanks to anyone who got through it. I would love to hear any more advice anyone has. Thanks again!
Jen
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