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Originally Posted by The Cloud  Lol I know my focus is in the wrong place, because it's on blame. I can't seem to shake the idea that everything has to be somebody's fault, either somebody else's or my own. If I stop blaming everybody else, then it becomes my fault. If I stop blaming myself, it becomes their fault. I know that in truth it's nobody's fault, but how does one convert knowledge into understanding? And I can't focus on the positive, because every attempt to do so only emphasizes for me that there is a negative. I know all this, intellectually. I can talk about it logically and make the connections and put all the puzzle pieces together. But a puzzle is just a flat picture, it's not real. I know, but I don't understand. How does one understand? THAT I do not know. |
I understand where you are coming from, maybe not completely, but definitely in the ballpark! I had a childhood, loved and all, but, the kind that created doubt, and some abandonment issues. I always felt the need to "prove myself." It is hard for most anyone to accept blame. I try not to look at it as blame if I can turn it into something else. If the person is really being respectful and trying to help, I try to find the silver lining in the comment and accept that is an area where I can improve. If it is undeserved, then I address it and why. Other people don't want to accept the blame either. Assigning blame usually isn't the right answer either. Most of the time, no one is to BLAME, it just is what it is, happened and now we have to deal with it I really think that is just fear, ego, pride, etc... being cloaked as blame from someone who couldn't face the truth, accept the blame, or wasn't in control of the situation. Sometimes, we screw up and have to admit, "Yeah, I screwed up. It is my fault." That isn't very often. If someone admits their error and owns it, I respect them immensely!!!! Own it! No one is perfect. We are all trying. Some will project their crap on you, don't let it stick. BUT, you don't have to focus on who is to blame. In the big picture, who cares about blame. It is just a negative thought. Own your actions. Own your errors. Learn from them, and move on. Don't focus on the negativity that the blame, the discussion, brought into your life. Just move on and focus on the postive and/or on the stuff that REALLY matters.
So, I guess what I am trying to say here is, let it go. Who cares who is to blame? It really doesn't matter. I know, you are thinking, "The hell it doesn't!" Just keep working on it. Try to diminish the importance of having to be right, or having to defend yourself to ward off blame being pinned on you. It is probably one of the hardest things to say in the face of blame, "I have no clue where you possibly could have gotten that." or, "I am really sorry that is what you think, but you are mistaken.", or, "I wish someone had let ME KNOW!", or, "I didn't receive the memo!", something that quickly turns it around. Try to turn your responses into a game of fun/funny retorts. They need to be respectful, but they can be light. You know that you aren't to blame. In time, most everyone else will too. It just doesn't seem that way.
Anyway, there is not a magic answer, but you can take advice, apply it where you see fit, keep trying (it is hard to break habits, especially deep emotional/mind habits.), be honest with yourself, and be nice to yourself. Remember, no one is perfect. Did I say to keep trying? We all make mistakes. It is a part of life, but it doesn't have to ruin one moment.