Thanks Mattson and Morgan ... I feel already less alone. What a good idea to try and see how I can be a source of strength for my father instead of perceiving myself as another thing he must worry about. I will reflect on your posts.
Dharma, that is a very interesting perception change you suggest. I tried it and I can see one major thing : I am insecure about my own mental health and I really, really want to be sure I am a good person to others. the opinion of other people and the impact I have on them has always been an issue to me.
Of course this leads me to beleive I feel attacked in many conversations because my father points out weaknesses in myself or insecurities I am particularly vulnerable to. I know a great part of staying calm in those situations is to assume those parts about myself and know them better than anyone else; so no one can use them as weapons against me.
But I don't think this is all about me and my insecurities or desires. After much though I wrote a "transaction contract" for me and my father, defining my boundaries in discussions and promising to respect his own boundaries. I asked my father to verbalise his own needs in such a "conversation contract" so that we both may exchange as adults and on a less visceral level. I emailed him my suggestions today, I really hope he will reply and have not been insulted.
I'm still pretty shaken up though - any other thoughts?
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