[DivaLion]

Bravo, Ninja! Your attitude is right on.

I've been doing a lot of "retreat" work lately to get clearer on my purpose, my passions, my next steps, and it's been a time of constant revelations and epiphanies for me. I'd gotten frustrated because I felt like I needed to take some risks, make some changes, forge strongly ahead in the direction my heart pointed, and yet I was dragging my heels, feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.

One of my most recent "aha!" moments revealed the source of that frustration-- I have been thinking not about what I *actually* want to do, but rather spending all my creative energy thinking about ways to turn my artistic gifts towards doing anything BUT what I actually want to do. An entire adult lifetime of being practical and taking care of the details of daily life had trained me to think about how I could get "useful" work that was sort of, vaguely, in some way like what I love doing. Usually in my life this has worked out to taking admin jobs related to the arts or to innovative projects, where I get to help OTHER people be creative and take leadership roles.

Part of the "aha!" was taking some personality/career tests; what surprised me was not the results, but the pattern I noticed in my answers-- how often the things I ranked "dislike" were tasks I had done all my life to make a living!

No wonder I wasn't getting excited about the idea of following my own path...I was doing to myself what well-meaning parents do to so many kids: trying to "normalize" my passions into a more sensible type of work. Not a step forward, but a step sideways-- not much better at all. Julia Cameron in her books calls these "shadow" careers, where you do something that keeps you close to your love without actually being your love.

Stick to your guns, Ninja. I wish when I was your age and had set out so enthusiastically to pursue my dreams (man, they were great years, too), that someone had come along right about the point I was starting to lose steam and to believe that I had to eat my vegetables (work day jobs to get by) before I could have my dessert (pursuing my dream), and shown me how backwards and soul-killing that is.

Don't get me wrong; I've had a lot of great experiences, and I don't regret the path that made me who I am. But there was a lot of damage to undo, a lot of re-learning, a lot of healing, and I'd as soon spare someone else the unnecessary effort of going that same route when there's a better one available.

In the end, nothing will do but the things that drive your heart to beat. Anything else truly is settling "down".