Quote:
Originally Posted by Angela  It's not as if he were complaining all the time or dwelling on his past pain, or insisting on suffering about what happened a year ago. |
I do dislike it though when I bring up past events to post, because I don't like complaining about my past. Though I know I have to face it because while I thought that while I thought I had overcome some of my past events, I now see that those past events still to a large degree affect a lot of my beliefs and current fears to a much greater extent then I realized. I actually wrote at one point a long post on this thread explaining in detail what happened after I graduated college when I boldly quit my job, refused lucrative job offers and tried to go for a dream job. I ended up deleting the post and replacing it with a much shorter extract because I felt such a long post about that negative story might just be too much of a form of complaining. However, the act of writing that long post crystalize to me a lot of why I felt that way about financial security.
When I started this thread, I knew I had to have safety, and be able to see far into financially and job-wise. But now having gone through this thread, and written up this stuff, and examining my story, I realize that's true mainly in the financial realm. And I know why, because of what I endured those years after graduation, I formed that fear mindset. I didn't have those fears before I graduated - the fear of poverty so entrenched like that. In fact, it's not living in poverty that I fear most. I can be ok with living a bare mininum life. While I have other lesser fears related to poverty, what I fear most is having to deal with that situation by getting a job I hate where I have to force my mind to concentrate on something I hate. Then coming home from work, and feeling the need to escape by eating unhealthy food and doing things with my time that numb me mentally and emotionally that reduces me to living at a low level of consciousness.
I also realized that's not who I am in all of my life - this need for security. In romantic relationships, I normally have no need to see ahead and can just be in the moment, not concerned about what happens next or having the person commit to be there long term. Same thing with other aspects, I'm ok with not knowing far ahead and having any guarantees at all. I can do crazy things like fly to another country to meet a girl I've only talked to online and on the phone knowing full well she may very well decide not to meet me at the last minute and knowing I'd be totally ok with it if she decided at the last minute not to meet me.
I know some people value security high on their list when they consciously write out a list of their values - I never have. I've never placed security on my list when drawing value list. Yet, emotionally with my fears, I know financial security is important, but I resist that, I hate thinking that way. Now I realize it's because of those fears of what I've lived through, so going back to that history helps me get to the origin, and now I need to overcome that fear. To rewrite the lessons so to speak and learn different lessons and learn ways of transcending that fear.