Years after the end of a relationship, an ex made another sudden contact out of nowhere.
Back then I was living a fearful life, not knowing how to be myself well. In the relationship with this ex I was not a good communicator. I was playing the role of an exhausted giver who didn't really know how to decline what others want from me. More terribly I would do what I hate in order to win his care and affection. Then I dumped him (for more reasons.) We both made mistakes; we were young and trying to learn.
I tried as hard as I can to listen to what my ex have to say after these years. I hate to say so but I don't see him growing up at all. He still have grudges. He still wants me to fulfill his predictable needs. He displays pictures through IM that I would consider harassment. He plays self pity. He asks questions about how my life is in areas according to his own concern - this makes me extremely guilty if I disregard his good intention, but again I just feel harassed when the question is too private.
When I reconsider the break up process back then, I owed him clarity of why I wanted to leave him. It took months to get those reasons out of my mouth. It took quite an amount of mental strength to revise what I have to say over and over again in order to not hurt him, because what I disliked was the exact essence of who he is and I didn't expect him to change for me. And that long break up process didn't seem to give him the punch in the face showing that he is better off finding another girl. If he still cannot get the picture after all the difficult, mental hard work I could offer, then I don't know what else to do. I don't know what's fair to him or to me.
He has managed to create different email or IM accounts whatnot in the past few years to contact me. Questions he wants me to answer has always been the same. When he doesn't get the desired reaction from me he gets sadder and angrier. When I try to tend to his needs he becomes more needy. How to tailor a reasonable closure of this relationship according to his needs is nearly impossible because from my side I see him as a direct block to my life path and also a harassment.
On a personal note, I cannot think of any lesson that is greater than love - and the loss of love. I've been dumped several times after relationship with this ex. I believe, metaphorically speaking, the more a person's heart is carved, the deeper a person can become, containing more character and strength. I may not be absolutely right, but this ex of mine doesn't seem to be learning things this way. So there's no way we could march on with our lives hand in hand.
I would apologize, deeply from my heart, to him a million more times for being a ditcher. But I just know I cannot accommodate this person in my life anymore. It is cruel to judge a person. It is cruel to cut out a person out of my life completely. But I know I deserve the peace his presence can never give me.
I do not know how to resolve his grudge towards me. His grudge is similar to the way how love and hate is just two sides of the same coin. So I cannot disregard his contacts completely because his intention is infused with at least some real love and care, though mostly entwined with his own needs. I would desire some wisdom on this issue - speaking of selfish desires, again.
