Originally Posted by WhiteLight  During the past few days I've been observing social interactions in a new perspective, one that could be described as...magnetic. To put this into context, imagine how people behave when they more or less 'go with the flow'. It might also help to mention that I am able to be an observer (not just what's in front, but all around me, especially with people), while still acting spontaneously.
The past couple of months I've grown more and more comfortable with myself, and you could say that I hardly ever hesitate (when I do, it's because I know that the action I would have done would bring about negative consequences). I have begun to adopt an empowered view towards the relationships I have with people I meet. I always seek to act through loving kindness, I conduct myself as humble as possible, and I set aside my ego to the best of my ability. As such, I abhor the idea of manipulating people, on any level.
Here's where the dilemma begins. One of the characteristics of being a man is the ability to lead. When I act without hesitation I find myself naturally leading in many social interactions. Not necessarily with conversation...but mainly with body language.
Now, because I want to act through loving kindness and humility, I've found myself consciously 'following', 'mirroring' (in these cases I don't hesitate, and neither does the other person), or letting other people take the lead more and more recently. I consciously act in a way that suggests that I am not an alpha male, I am not the best, I am not the first, etc. For example, when I'm hanging out at a friend's house, I realize that it's their house, and I shouldn't impose upon them because I'm a guest. I let them make the decisions for the most part, kinda like going along for the ride.
Is this behavior impeding my progress? I have chosen to live my life courageously, but my actions would suggest that I am not comfortable with leading, with being a man. Part of my fear is that when I do take initiative, it seems to piss people off (mostly older men with an alpha male mentality, or women who are so used to controlling men).
How am I supposed to be humble when my actions would suggest that I am a natural leader? I mean, the more I write about this, and the more I read what I'm writing, the more I realize that I shouldn't be afraid of anything. Leaders are able to be humble and act through love. I have nothing to feel guilty about. The fear of leading is just an illusion.
But it's all so confusing sometimes. I have the ability to lead, but because of my awareness I sense the impact it has on the people around me. I work in customer service (returns and exchanges at IKEA) so there have been many times where my courage has been tested. I consciously choose to meet those challenges head on, and many times I have turned a possible negative situation into a positive one. When I do encounter hostile alpha males/females I interact courageously, and frankly, in a manner that they would never expect. Even if they're bigger, my actions cause them to back off and cease trying to intimidate me.
Could it be social programming that makes me think that what I'm doing is manipulative? When I don't hesitate, everything goes so smoothly, but then again, I feel like I'm manipulating/taking advantage/imposing my will upon people. Maybe manipulate is too negative a word. Influence is a better word for it. Maybe the solution is to realize that I have the power to influence people in a positive way, and I have to embrace that realization. I know that this is the next step I have to overcome, because my fear is pointing me in that direction.
Does anyone have any insight towards this area? Is there anything wrong with my logic? How can I put aside my ego and be humble when my spontaneous actions always put me in the spotlight? Yes, I do choose my words carefully, but actions speak much louder than words. I love being in the spotlight and facing my fears head-on. I love that rush that courses through my body, and it feels so empowering to be able to act gracefully through any situation. Could it be that I'm afraid of my own greatness? Could it be that I don't love myself enough yet to embrace my destiny? Maybe a shift of perspective is in order (positive influence instead of manipulation).
Sigh, more and more questions keep popping up the more I write and read what I'm writing. It feels good to get it off my chest though, in the hopes that someone on here understands what I'm feeling. |