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seeker5 · 08-04-2008, 05:15 AM

For the past 3 months, I've been going back and forth on whether to start an MBA, or go venture and try to make a living doing something I love, whatever that is. One day I’d be completely convinced to go one way…then a few days later change my mind and go the other way, and back and forth. Unfortunately, most of the time I'd change my mind because of the huge amount of raw fear I'd feel through my vein. I quit my job early June because I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to free myself from working at something I don't love.

I decided to do the MBA Thursday after thinking long and hard from Erin's reading and from everything I had considered. I journaled, and worked out a lot of my fears and felt finally, for the first time in 3 months, at peace to start an MBA. But then the next day, I started feeling somewhat dead inside. I went and bought a car yesterday as I haven't had a car in over a year. Instead of feeling happy and excited to finally have a car of my own, I felt even more dead within me.

So, I dunno. The alternative is scary as hell for me - living on my own, seeing my savings dwindle down, fear running through my veins. I know when I experience that kind of raw fear, I'm completely blocked, I can't do anything. I can see why my guides would tell Erin to do the MBA route as that seems safest to me, but yet it feels now that I'm just doing the MBA so I can have something to do, as a "job", instead of something I'd love to do. I used to love the idea of studying business all day long back earlier this year when I applied to MBA school, that used to feel great. But now, seeing it as a "job"... bleh. Then seeing myself get a job after graduation, even at a humanitarian company..bleh.

I know part of me realizes that maybe because I've let fear run my life for so long - most of my life that I can't just turn around on a dime and instantly live as if it's not there, that it could take me a few years to be able to focus on living without fear and focus 100% on making a living on my purpose.

MBA starts in 2 weeks and in that time, I've planned on traveling to the city this coming week to go find a place to live. Maybe I can just go through orientation, and see how I like it.

I dunno, sorry for the rant, I try not to rant and complain on here, but I'm having a very hard time with this.

08-04-2008, 05:15 AM	#1 (permalink)
seeker5 Moderator Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 3,144	Part of me feels kinda dead.... For the past 3 months, I've been going back and forth on whether to start an MBA, or go venture and try to make a living doing something I love, whatever that is. One day I’d be completely convinced to go one way…then a few days later change my mind and go the other way, and back and forth. Unfortunately, most of the time I'd change my mind because of the huge amount of raw fear I'd feel through my vein. I quit my job early June because I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to free myself from working at something I don't love. I decided to do the MBA Thursday after thinking long and hard from Erin's reading and from everything I had considered. I journaled, and worked out a lot of my fears and felt finally, for the first time in 3 months, at peace to start an MBA. But then the next day, I started feeling somewhat dead inside. I went and bought a car yesterday as I haven't had a car in over a year. Instead of feeling happy and excited to finally have a car of my own, I felt even more dead within me. So, I dunno. The alternative is scary as hell for me - living on my own, seeing my savings dwindle down, fear running through my veins. I know when I experience that kind of raw fear, I'm completely blocked, I can't do anything. I can see why my guides would tell Erin to do the MBA route as that seems safest to me, but yet it feels now that I'm just doing the MBA so I can have something to do, as a "job", instead of something I'd love to do. I used to love the idea of studying business all day long back earlier this year when I applied to MBA school, that used to feel great. But now, seeing it as a "job"... bleh. Then seeing myself get a job after graduation, even at a humanitarian company..bleh. I know part of me realizes that maybe because I've let fear run my life for so long - most of my life that I can't just turn around on a dime and instantly live as if it's not there, that it could take me a few years to be able to focus on living without fear and focus 100% on making a living on my purpose. MBA starts in 2 weeks and in that time, I've planned on traveling to the city this coming week to go find a place to live. Maybe I can just go through orientation, and see how I like it. I dunno, sorry for the rant, I try not to rant and complain on here, but I'm having a very hard time with this.