[Jade]

Hi, Caren. I know you are sharing your work with Angela to help others and not to invite analysis from a bunch of desk-chair therapists, but I have a thought and, after following and appreciating your journey through this, I am a little concerned that we all seem to have left you alone to work through “I’m all alone”. Anyway…

When we come here, one of the main deals is that we won’t be alone, right? We have to have a couple of people involved just to even be born. So, once we do our part and show up, having them not hold up their part of the bargain is unfair, to say the least. And human nature is to respond to “unfair” with anger, and rightly so. We want to change it, immediately, if not sooner. And anger is actually the perfect emotion to help us do that. It is a pure and natural source of fuel. It makes us need to do something. The only time that is a problem is when we can’t. Like when we’re too little, literally. So that makes anger really hurt, and most of us turn it into something less painful, like frustration, or sadness, or hopelessness. Each of which keeps us from being able to do something, causing the opposite effect the anger was trying to produce. And leaving all that fuel untapped, and all that pain unhealed.

So, I know very little of your story, but even with what I do know, you sure have the right to be angry. I am angry for you! WTF? No one forced them to have you and then when you cried and asked for the help you had no choice but to need, they get mad at you?! And on top of that you were such a great kid! Smart and funny and clever and really good and they didn’t even get it! What a waste! You were so special and you tried so hard and they just looked the other way! What’s the point?! It seems incredibly unfair and stupid to me so I can only imagine what a little girl must have thought.

Of course, accepting there is something wrong with the people you depend on for survival is a place we all know to avoid, under any circumstances. That falls into the don’t-go-there, unimaginably bad category. We just shudder at the thought and move past it, fast. So the next logical thought is that it must be us. That’s actually a lot easier to swallow, sadly. So… what could it be? Are we not as great as we think we are? No, we know we’re special. It’s as clear as day. There are all sorts of special things about us. Anyone can see that, if they bothered looking. So, it must be something less obvious. Like what? Well………… and that’s where we veer off into the more abstract explanations that don’t really make sense, but have a sort of un-provable logic to them. Such as, “I’m not good enough”, or, “I’m not lovable”, or “I’m not worthy”. They all boil down to meaning that “I don’t deserve whatever it is I am needing”. Again, totally and completely unfair. But what are ya gonna do? Well, usually, get angry, have no way to make it better, get angrier, feel way too much pain, push the anger down, and find something easier to deal with. Even “I guess I’m worthless” feels better at that point, especially to a child.

So, I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to be all that angry about all of this (except when Angela hit on “I was robbed”, which you basically apologized for expressing anger to), and it makes me wonder. Just the fact that whatever they did/didn’t do all those years ago is still affecting you today can be pretty infuriating, not to mention all the other stuff. I obviously have no idea how you feel other than what you’ve shared, but so far—and I am making this up here—it sure reads to me like someone who is pretty used to believing they don’t deserve better.

Now, I know that sounds a lot like “I’m worthless”, but it’s slightly different. You’ll know if that makes sense to you or not. It just seems to me that a little girl strong enough to pull a part of herself away from the fear and the pain must have had some kind of fuel to maintain it. That takes some will. Know what I mean? Tough little cookie. And that strength could really be a big help right now.

The problem with “I’m all alone” is it feels really scary. Which is disempowering. But, “Hey! I’m all alone here and that was not what I agreed to—you people are supposed to be here for me and I am starting to get really pissed off…” is a little more powerful. It’s not right to be left alone and you know it (unlike just observing where you are and not knowing what went wrong or why). They just totally let you down. Flat out. Broke the sacred contract. “I am not here” was a reaction, but still a choice. “I’m all alone” is a situation beyond your control.

So… all I know is, if I were you, I would be pretty angry. And if that’s in any way true for you, maybe that fuel can help push you past this. Or at least produce enough fire to light the way. (If so your feelings about money could probably be a great in-road for you to get in touch with it. They seem to sum it all up for you and produce a pretty clear reflection.) Getting stuck in “I’m all alone” would just make me scared. And probably make me want to run from the whole thing.

A little righteous anger can go a long way. But, on the other hand, I doubt you have a long way to go.


All the best, Caren. You deserve it.
Jade