interesting jarrod... i've never thought about it even being possible to throw away this need for being wanted.
its always made me feel worthless.
so what do you replace that with? nothing? you become happy to exist whether no one 'wants you' or not?
growing up i've had friends but rarely friends as equals. if i did they would come and go fast -- as in move away or change schools. etc. they'd move on and i'd make more of an effort to keep the friendship but after a while i'd realize i was putting in way more effort then the other person and feel really hurt and spiteful but eventually move on.
the people i usually became friends with already had close friends and didn't need more close friends. i'd always just 'float'. my best friend was my cat.. and of course when she died it was very traumatizing for me. my self confidence went to zero and i could not perform in front of audiences anymore (too nervous, too shakey, i would puke and not go on)
my family life had been far from emotionally supportive.
it was a couple years ago that i became quite depressed as i had moved back to my home city having lost all my new friends from a nervous breakdown. my other friends would make plans with me, then disappear and or cancel and it really made me feel worthless and unwanted and i slipped down into lack of hope. (i feel there is a difference between just being depressed and suicidal -- suicidal is more of a lack of hope for me). no one seemed to care of my existance.. and i could not depend on my family for that as they had always been emotionally unstable. eventually i recontacted a friend who i had to stop talking to before because he was too depressing (he had since been to councelling) and really that saved my life along finding another counsellor that managed to bring me out of it.
how do you learn to create stability for yourself? is it really enough to want yourself? i suppose i still needed to learn to love myself at the time..
if i *want me*.. is that enough? i guess if i don't want me then no one would want me.. so i'd have to want myself first.........................
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