[persephonevii]

It struck me as I was cleaning my desk up that I had acquired a lot of junk. Tons of old magazines, chipped old mugs, loads of paperwork, old stick-it notes, etc. etc. The rest of my room had gradually acquired a lot of junk too!

So I thought about why I had accumulated so much junk in a space of only 6 months. I know its presence made me feel safe, feel secure, feel strong and fortified. Something I could hide behind. I considered giving away some books and clothes to Vinnies (charity shop in Australia) and immediately thoughts/feelings of 'No!', 'What if you need it!?', 'Your mother bought that for you with her hard-earned cash!', 'You'll regret losing it!', 'You need it, you won't be strong without it!'.

I was also thinking of my lack of money, always trying to figure out ways to pay for stuff for my course, the rent, etc. and it occurred to me... that this clutter and my lack of money might share a connection. That perhaps one caused the other, or they feed each other in a cycle of poverty, so to speak.

My mother has always been a big hoarder, a big collector of items. No doubt I learnt the habit off her, but why did she start? Thinking about it she came from a very poor family where stuff that was acquired was used, or reasoned to be kept because you never know when you might use it. And usually along came a use for it. Later on life, she married my father and began living a much more well-off life... however, she always seemed to be low on money, always trying to reason with her debtors, the taxman, etc. so she could find them their money. She still hoarded items though and always reasoned that despite the wealth you never knew when you would need it. And if you threw it away, she got very upset. I think she thought the same as I... those items gave her a sense of protection, of security, its okay we ain't gonna starve.

Her own bedroom has five wardrobes stacked to the their capacity with clothes, shoes and accessories. They surround her bed like a fortress. Tall, imposing things they are. And the kitchen is overflowing with food and cooking utensils, she has huge plastic bags full of ten year old magazines and pamphlets. It seems as if her whole life was just one big war to stave off starvation, homelessness and yet despite the big income of her husband, the five wardrobes, and boxes of food... she still never has enough!

You know I should probably write a story on a woman like my Mum. But that's for another thread.

Anyway, so I hoard and collect items for that sense of security, of power, of protection. Sure I was never raised with the impending and real threat of starvation, but I still inherited that desperate-hoarder mindset from her.

I love freebies and cheapo items. I can't resist a good, cheap book. Or a good, cheap pastel/paint set. You never know when I might need them! But I hardly ever use them. And yet I feel empty and clawing for ever more. I feel as if I have to collect, collect, collect!

So besides the obvious fact that buying all these little trinkets slowly but surely eats away at my money, is it because we hoard this energy (as in mass is energy, energy is mass), constantly taking and living in some sort of vague fear of... something, that we get so little in return? Or if we do get something, we struggle so hard for it? That in fact, the hoarded items only give a person a very powerful illusion of security?