Thank you nightfly for your reply. It's very well thought of and does hit a lot of chords and points.
Regarding religion, It has always been important to me to not follow religion by the letter of the words written, but question it and only follow it because - as the buddha says - it makes sense to me. (I follow hinduism primarily and am Indian) To me premarital sex was off-limits not just for spiritual reasons, but for the best way to ensure a proper society that has both parents who are mature to raise each baby as opposed to illegitimate children raised by single mothers (this reasoning is actually stated in the holy books) And it made sense. To me also, having someone from my same religion meant that my ties to my family won't be broken or heavily strained when I marry that person. However now when presented with compatible partners from other religions, the temptation is greater to go against the family and obtain what I've been wanting and without for my life so far - a life where I've been completely single during a decade of it that I could have had someone. And some time ago when I had thought about this last while making or verifying life decisions, I was a little more "purist" in my religion.
Yes, there was a bit of hopelessness because I had faith in God and he did not deliver to me what everyone else around me was freely enjoying - and for a while I was disappointed with my faith and not particularily doing anything about it.
However now I'm going through an interesting phase. I'm rekindling my spirituality. I'm more open than ever on my outlook on religion - I'm discovering principles of Buddhism that help me be at peace and still peacefully co-exist with most of my original religious beliefs. I don't derive my identity from my religion anymore - but it still serves as a great belief system and set of guidelines to live by. More importantly, the haze is lifting and I can see why I may have gone through these times - to develop myself, to overcome my insecurities, to reach peace. I can even finally understand how everything that does happen, is no accident and happens for a reason - even my being a virgin today and still being single.
And this brings me to your other stronger point - with my faith shaken because the delivery of that person and relationship into my life despite the faith did not happen when I wanted it, I suppose I did doubt whether there would be a right person for me for a long time. I didn't doubt the existance of God. I just believed that He has his plans and it's not necessarily in everyone's best interest (after all, there are people suffering horrendously and dying) and I'm no exception. But as I said, I am now finally beginning to see how through karmic and through the divine plan concepts, everything still does happen for the best. And based on this I'm still trying to reinforce that renewed belief that there really is someone right out there for me. Actually it is only when I forget or do not believe this...that the idea of escape sounds extremely appealing - through a string of affairs - especially now that I have the new found freedom of overcoming the insecurity of my bad body image and feeling like I was unworthy of love. To be honest, I don't mind waiting some more, the insecurity of being seen as any less of a man, and the fear of stupidly and blindly depriving myself of a better quality of life were hard to overcome. You're absolutely right about the partwhere if after waiting so long, I have a string of affairs - only to meet her a month later - that would be tragic.
Your suggestions of writing love letters to my bride to be are a really good idea. It'll be a great way to refocus and rechannel my LoA efforts and realign what is both in my thoughts and in my heart.
Both you and tigerlily have essentially one thing at the core of your reply - which I was missing. I am not seeing this part of my life through the eyes of love, and was doing so only through the eyes of a selfish, pleasure seeking being. Thank you for correcting and reminding me. I need to keep the faith.
Last edited by striving4peace; 08-01-2008 at 05:56 AM.