Personal Development for Smart People Forums - View Single Post - A cycle that I fall into that's hard to get out of --- please help me with this one

ns123 · 07-31-2008, 07:42 PM

Wow, Sarah, I have the same problem you do.

My advice to you would be, adjust your views. If you do expect something back (like acknowledgment), then don't expect the same level of reciprocation. When you do something for some one, don't expect anything back, do it because you want to and because it is nice.

But of course, if the other person keeps taking and taking then maybe you should stop doing stuff for them. And just let the disappointment go and chock it up to experience. You don't want to be a doormat or hang around people who just take all the time.

For example, for me, one of my son's friends are always over, all the time. We host many play dates, but his friend's dad never reciprocate. We take his friend to the museum, to the zoo, to many places, but my son has never been invited in return. I was going to end this lopsided relationship until I realized, his friend's dad is a single dad. And his priorities are different. His life views are different about children. He saw his job as feed and clothe, not nurture and support. And I realized that because I did this stuff for my son's friend, the friend will be the better for it. That's why he's always over, because he doesn't have that at home.

So, I stopped expecting reciprocation from the dad. I am doing it because my son loves his friend and I want to be a positive influence in this child's life. I'm not doing it to get anything back from the dad.

For me, most of the time, it's feelings of inadequacy. I am not loved as much because X. So if I do this for this person, they will love me. Or be my friend. For me, once I recognized that I just can't be friends with everyone, can't be loved by everyone, I felt better about myself. Some people just don't have that much in common with me, or don't make time for me, and I just let it go. It's ok. It had nothing to do with me, more to do with their priorities that were not a match with mine.

I hope that helps. It's not your problem, it's theirs.

And, just so you know... You are beautiful. You are smart and fun to be around. You are perfect the way you are.

07-31-2008, 07:42 PM	#3 (permalink)
ns123 Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 654	Wow, Sarah, I have the same problem you do. My advice to you would be, adjust your views. If you do expect something back (like acknowledgment), then don't expect the same level of reciprocation. When you do something for some one, don't expect anything back, do it because you want to and because it is nice. But of course, if the other person keeps taking and taking then maybe you should stop doing stuff for them. And just let the disappointment go and chock it up to experience. You don't want to be a doormat or hang around people who just take all the time. For example, for me, one of my son's friends are always over, all the time. We host many play dates, but his friend's dad never reciprocate. We take his friend to the museum, to the zoo, to many places, but my son has never been invited in return. I was going to end this lopsided relationship until I realized, his friend's dad is a single dad. And his priorities are different. His life views are different about children. He saw his job as feed and clothe, not nurture and support. And I realized that because I did this stuff for my son's friend, the friend will be the better for it. That's why he's always over, because he doesn't have that at home. So, I stopped expecting reciprocation from the dad. I am doing it because my son loves his friend and I want to be a positive influence in this child's life. I'm not doing it to get anything back from the dad. For me, most of the time, it's feelings of inadequacy. I am not loved as much because X. So if I do this for this person, they will love me. Or be my friend. For me, once I recognized that I just can't be friends with everyone, can't be loved by everyone, I felt better about myself. Some people just don't have that much in common with me, or don't make time for me, and I just let it go. It's ok. It had nothing to do with me, more to do with their priorities that were not a match with mine. I hope that helps. It's not your problem, it's theirs. And, just so you know... You are beautiful. You are smart and fun to be around. You are perfect the way you are.