I can't say how much I appreciate all of your comments (and thanks for the welcome to the board).
What has been said here is essentially exactly what my counselor told me, especially about what he called "inappropriate guilt". This only complicates the matter because I can't tell if I am communicating completely what I mean. So I will try to answer some of the unknown areas and if it changes your response, please respond
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-The attempted cheating happened a few days after we had become 'exclusive'. And we were intimate before this event (maybe twice?)
-I didn't actually do any physical cheating, but would have if m.e.g. and I had actually met up.
- That is a very short time to make a commitment (indeed, only a month after we really started seeing each other is when this infidelity happened). However I have to defend it by saying that it was real. By the time we actually got serious about our feelings and started seeing each other it completely took off.
Many people ask "how can that be love?" but I know deep down that it was. I've been in relationships before and had that kind of feeling on the borderline but never before has it been so... real. Most of you would agree that when you're truly in love you just know, and I knew. I felt it through and through, not just infatuation or some kind of physical attraction but genuine love.
Maybe at the time of the infidelity this love wasn't fully realized or developed yet. But I do know that at the time of our separation it definitely was.
It feels like she has died. Even worse it feels like it was I who killed her, I was the agent that removed her from my world. And even worse is knowing that she is still out there and I am not / cannot do anything about it. If I am to move on, then I need some kind of closure, but have no idea how to go about getting that. Or maybe I need to get back out there and try to get her back?