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Well then, I would say that you are truly sadistic by wanting to inflict pain and agony on those who ultimately did you a good turn!
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They didn't "do me a good turn". They did something horrible to me, and it was
myself who turned that around into a good turn. That doesn't mean that I should thank them, as it was never their intention for this to happen.
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So, do you want to be sadistic or not? Unclear now.
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Don't know. It certainly brings me joy when I imagine them suffering.
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I think the tendency for revenge is a common one.
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As I said (and this is important) I'm not driven by revenge. I'm driven by hatred. What they did to me no longer matters. What matters is that they still exist and that I want them to suffer.
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I believe that those that hurt you in the past have been punished in some way, maybe not by you, but life does not act kindly towards the unkind. If they were truly bad people, life will hand them their just desserts. Karma is a ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥, and it comes back ten fold.
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I believe in a subjective reality. Hence, if I want them to be punished, I should do it myself. What use to me the idea that they got punished if I never saw it happen?
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When you forgive, you let go of the anger. It takes time. But it will get easier as time goes by. Forgive yourself.
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Time doesn't heal. It makes you forget. I want to find a workable solution to this dilemma, not wait until it festers and grows into something even more hideous.