After writing this post, I kept thinking. I guess I should also mention - it's possible I'm trying to win the approval of this friend who is a girl I started getting feelings for. She's not single, but she's cheated before. My secret hope for a while was not that she'd cheat on her boyfriend with me, but that she'd break up with him one day and be with me. She made it clear recently in a hypothetical discussion that that won't happen because of religious differences, but we've connected much more to each other than either of us has ever connected to any other person in our life till now.
I'm just saying it's a possibility that I'd do this so she'd see it as easier to be with me. It might also be a possibility she's suggesting I do this so that she could identify with me even more - she carries the burden of her past alone, and it might be possible that me getting my own past would make us a lot more alike. When he had first met she and I flirted, and she hinted at having sex with me and cheating on her boyfriend, but back then I was too wrapped up in the no-premarital-sex aspect.
Now that I write all this, it also occurs to me that it's not just the understanding and overcoming of my own insecurities that's causing me to put pressure on my morals - but wanting to be with this girl.
A similar situation has happened before, but with that girl, I knew I could never be with her. With this one, I guess in the back of my head the yearning for intimacy ...and hot sex (i'm not going to deny I want it) seems to be fixating on her - causing me to really radically change and in short - think with my p*nis.
Sorry if i'm just spilling my thought process out loud, but in this new found freedom and wierd circumstances, I'm a little lost and need a little guidance or advice.
I am also rediscovering my spirituality. And I am not scared to admit now that my belief in God had really been shaken because I kept waiting and the person I thought I'd end up with never turned up. I guess a lot of people just told me "it'll happen, just believe", and it didnt. I know now I had to "make it happen", but to be honest I did try over the years. I did ask out girls I liked. I even pursued through several no's hoping to turn it into a yes without being creepy (some of those girls are my friends now - some even after getting married)
They say whatver happens, happens for the best - so I guess God / destiny meant for me to be a 28 year old virgin being tested. But does God intend for me to find the right girl for me soon? And if he doesn't can't I at least have my fun? There are others who had thier fun and still ended up with the right girl. Was it their karma? Luck? Or did they make thier luck and succeed. And more importantly what should I do?
In the language of the power of now, I am just trying to make a better decision so my "now" one day includes intimacy and great sex - at least that's how I see it.
I guess if I had to ask only one question it would be:
Which decision should I take that would be congruent with Steve's "Seeking Truth,Love and power"?