[Rabbit]

The short story: A girl (for anonymity, we'll call Jane) and I meet at the age of 16 and have a summer fling that never developed into anything at the time and left feelings for five years. In five years, we reestablished communication and shortly began serious dating. Four months fly by and we are very intensely in love. However, right around the time we started dating I attempted to cheat and at the end she finds out that I did (and had lied to cover it up). I am left after a long breakup, heartbroken (deservedly so).

Feel free to attack my integrity and character, but please also help me out here. I've been on a great journey of self-discovery since this happened, including having to take time off work, seeing a counselor, trying to accept that it is over and date (etc) again, but I keep coming back to the start. I feel exceptionally guilty about what I did and how much it crushed her, and furthermore I feel ruined because I know that I destroyed one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Lets get some more detail now before I pose some questions. The girl I attempted to cheat with was major ex-girlfriend (m.e.g.). Jane had always been uncomfortable with any reference to m.e.g because I had been with m.e.g. for three and a half years in the past. After this recent breakup with Jane I did in fact seek out and had sex with m.e.g., only afterwards I felt horribly guilty like I was actively cheating in that moment. And perhaps most importantly I reached out to cheat at the beginning with Jane because Jane and I didn't click sexually (AT FIRST).

I truly, deeply regret making that mistake. I truly believe that I wouldn't ever do that again and that I am in fact an ***hole of enormous magnitude for doing it in the first place. But I knew and know that I love Jane. The reason we haven't spoken in over a month is because in trying to reconcile, she became more and more aggressive with demands and her attitude towards me started to borderline on the verbally abusive. Not that I blame her- she was crushed and reacting emotionally because there was nothing else she could do.

I've gone through approximately two cycles now where I think I am going to be fine and start to see other women (I have been with two women intimately since the break up) and immediately after I spiral into depression again thinking about what I did to Jane and how much I want to be with her again and still love her. I'm starting to believe now that I should pay more attention to that feeling, and try to reconnect with Jane.

My need for advice is in this area: Should I even attempt to win her back (again)? There has been no closure to the end of this relationship. At the end she told me she still loved me but was totally crushed, and I said the same. I know I still have deep feelings for her. So is this indeed supposed to end? Is it even salvagable considering that I ended up sleeping with m.e.g., which was the person the entire break was centered on to begin with?