Quote:
Originally Posted by Angela  Sometimes a lover seems to be asking one thing, but is really asking for another.
Let's say a man asks a woman how many lovers she's had prior to him. It does neither of them any good service in the relationship for her to honestly say, I've had 150 lovers, because a number is only going to live on infamy between them. What he might really be looking for, and it does take some sensitivity and generous listening to hear it, is that he measures up. A more generous (moral) answer than "150" might be "Gerald, neither of us were virgins when we met, and you are my favorite man I've ever met. You're the one who lights my soul on fire; and with all my heart, soul, and body I choose you."
Or a woman, asks him if he likes the negligee she is wearing in the hopes of turning him on and giving pleasure to them both. He could honestly say, "No, I hate it -- that thing makes you look like a 1950's frigid housewife." Or he could recognize that she wants to generate sexiness and love between them, and answer, "You look gorgeous no matter what you wear. Come here you sexy thing and let's take it off of your hot body. (and later..) You want to break out the Victoria's Secret and let me show you what would really turn me on like crazy?" Which would be more moral?
Or two people are making love and in the middle one guy asks, "Do you love me, Horace?" And Horace could answer, "No, sorry." That would be honest. Or he could say, "I love what we're doing right now, and I love being so close with you. I feel like we're still in the getting-to-know-each-other stage, and I'd love to see where this will go. And right now, I am loving life, Beauregard! How about you? {insert sexy, scandalous, anatomically unlikely manuever here}.
It's not always easy for people to boldly and directly ask for what they want in bed, there are so many feelings in sex and intimacy that can make things more complicated and sensitive than outside of that realm. The good news is that we're given the opportunity in sexual relationship to find out how generous, how loving, and how present we can be. |
interesting... perhaps I have something to learn here? I think my definition of honesty/integrity includes both an honest answer to the direct question, an honest response to the underlying questions/emotions, and an honest representation of your total feelings in a situation:
I would tell my number of lovers along with a "but here I am now with you and that's what matters" if that's how I felt about it;
I would want to know if a guy found whatever I was doing a turn-off rather than a turn-on, though I would want it phrased kindly and recognizing the good intention behind it;
I would (and have several times) give an honest "I'm not sure how I feel yet" if that's how I feel; and if you know you
aren't in love and don't see the potential, I think you have to make sure the other person knows that- respectfully and kindly, but you have to let them know so they can decide what sort of relationship they want based on that information.
or maybe I'm wrong here... maybe it's ok to let things slide and gloss over the truth in favor of not hurting feelings in the short run... I'm an absolute horrible actress so I tend to only get myself into more trouble by trying to pretend other than I feel, even if I'm technically not "lying".