Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees
(Look at all the should's in that paragraph!
If I just go along not enforcing the courts mandate for child support, I feel like I am enabling his lifestyle of selfishness.
Yup, you're a shoulder alright!
Who says you should "go along not enforcing the courts mandate for child support"? Who says you're in charge of his lifestyle? He is entitled to a lifestyle of selfishness if that's the way he wants to live, just like you are entitled to a lifestyle of shoulding if you want to. None of that means you can't do your best to ensure that the obligation is upheld. I'll bet a good councilor or attorney in this field has dealt with this blackmail issue before ("call the feds and I'll go underground!") ... for instance, they can help you become aware of and put a lien on any assets he holds.
In the meanwhile, you insisting to yourself that he is 100% responsible for being the only thing that keeps you and your kids from eating out of dumpsters and wearing shoes with holes in them is one way of avoiding what really scares you.... that you feel unable (and unwilling, subconsciously) to make your well-being and that of your kids your 100% responsibility. Again, that is not to say that you should let your ex off the hook! But if you make this guy the monster that keeps you in hell, that focus will have you miss all the doorways that lead directly into heaven.
If you were being Generosity, wouldn't it be possible that you could actually HELP your ex make good on his obligation to your kids? Isn't it possible that if you were to let go of "He is the only thing standing between my family and the gutter" and take on the possibility that HE IS FAMILY -- he is his children's father, and he might have some glimmer of desire to do the right thing for them; he doesn't want his children to starve! -- while at the same time holding him to his word, something might be possible for you and your kids, and even your ex and your boyfriend, in the realm of freedom and joy? (boy that was one stinkin' long run-on sentence, wasn't it?
It sounds extraordinary and confronting, doesn't it? Well, you are in a tight spot, and what you've been doing hasn't exactly been working out the way you would like it to. Maybe this would be a good time for you to take on a way of being that is extraordinary and confronting. If you keep being what you've been being, you're gonna keep getting what you've been getting.
You got the honey and you got the stinger, Honeywith4bees. Use 'em!