[The Cloud]

So I told her. I don't really feel any different now, aside from not feeling all icky from the thought of telling her. Her response was better than I anticipated. Of course, it wasn't "Oh wow I love you too," but she seemed to appreciate it at least. She also seemed to be in shock, so I don't know how this is going to change our relationship.

Goes to show how, no matter what I do, it's how I think that has to change. Maybe I learned something, maybe this is the right path, but there was no sweeping moment of clarity. I don't even know what I expected, and even less what I really wanted. This is the real manifestation of "I can't win." I feel as if I did something of extraordinary difficulty, all for nothing. Nothing changed, nothing is better, everything is the same sh***y mess. I could do it again, just so that I could get the same results. All to no point. Is there supposed to be a point? I don't know, I don't know what the point is. I keep asking myself what it is that I really want out of all this, and nothing comes to mind.

I've been doing this to myself for almost two years. Am I going to have to keep going for the rest of my life? Sometimes I wish I'd never realized that there is something worthwhile in me and the world. I don't want to do this to myself anymore. I'm always asking why, and I never really get the answer. I never really get at it. I have my moments of clarity, but they're gone before I can really enjoy them, and then I'm left with just a bitter sense of having lost something that could have been great. It never lasts more than a moment. Was it even real? Is all the stuff I'm saying on this forum, in real life, all BS? If it isn't making me happy, if it isn't making me successful, if it isn't making me more friends or more money or more satisfaction, then what good it any of it? I just don't want to fight for it anymore. I don't even know what it is I'm fighting for, I'm just fighting out of a sense of duty to some idea in the past that has long since lost its usefulness. I don't know what to do. I stop fighting, nothing happens. If I fight, nothing happens.

The worst thing is that this is all fake. All the emotion I'm putting into this is a farce. I'm saying all these things, feeling all these feelings, but as soon as as I step out of my room I will be able to put it all away and be my usual jovial self. I can put on whatever front I want, but it never gets me anywhere. The more I try to feel, the more I know that it's just the effort I'm feeling, it's not really anything that's going to help me.

I would love to hear any responses, but I suspect it'll be nothing I haven't heard before, the same [seemingly] worthless drivel that I've been spewing for everybody else's benefit. I know that's not what it is, but that doesn't change how I feel.