[The Cloud]

So I had the opportunity to tell her tonight, and I didn't. Instead, every time I thought of it I became terrified beyond reason. I imagined an impassable chasm forming between us if I even brought up the subject. I know that this is not what would happen, at worst it would be temporarily awkward and swiftly forgotten, but my fear was beyond reason and not subject to its rigors.

I had thought that since I was able to go through with the call from Angela despite my fear, and in fact to do so without even considering cancelling, I would be able to simply overcome the fear. But I am so incredibly convinced that her knowing of my love will come between us that it hardly even felt like an option to go ahead and do it. With Angela, I knew that quitting would be counterproductive and that going ahead had little chance of negative consequences beyond awkwardness. There wasn't much at stake. But with my friendship, there is a huge amount at stake as I value it very much.

I imagined what the conversation would be like, and I think it sheds some light on my situation. I imagined me saying that I loved her, and her asking what the hell I mean. Then I got really angry, yelling "Why do I have to mean anything? Why do there always have to be strings attached [to my love]? Why can't you just let me love you, it doesn't hurt you, it doesn't cost you anything. Why do I always have to need something?"

My perception of her perception was that love was just something to be used to get things from somebody. There are always strings attached, and I can't just love somebody because they will always be looking for them. No matter what my perception is, I will always be seen as trying to use them or get something from them.

I don't know that I will be able to get through this with sheer willpower, so I'm going to put myself in a bind. I will arrange a meeting, letting her know that I have something to tell her without telling her what it is. I'm certain that I can do at least that much. Then, once I'm forced into the situation, I will have little other choice than to face my fear. I didn't want to do it this way because I wanted to have the strength to come right out and say it, but I suppose cunning self-manipulation will need to play its part. But I'm going to do this, no matter how roundabout a way I have to go.