What was the predominant way of being? Being myself, and being happy about all the wonderful new experiences and learning that was happening.
And I'm happy with all the new learning that has been happening since. Experiencing this pain was new and I think somewhat necessary for me to be a "full" adult. It's hard not to dwell on past mistakes. I've probably learned all I can from them. All the learning that has taken place in the last year, since before we exchanged numbers, means I'm living a fuller life now compared to then. However, I don't feel as "safe" to just be myself - I miss the huge level of trust that was there.
But it doesn't stop me from feeling that my ex and I may still have a future together, as more than friends. Which is probably frustrating because I strongly suspect it will take at least another 6 months before I have improved some aspects of myself to where that would be a possibility. By then part of me hopes she's found someone new.
I've ran all over this thing. This way, that way, up, down, inside out, outside in. Everything in my head, logically, tells me I'm good, move on - and you know how and in what areas so do it! But there is a part of my heart that says what we had, what we still feel for each other, was special, and I'm pretty sure is afraid, that neither of us will quite find it again.