Hey Dave,
Appreciate the thoughts... :-) Trust me when I say I'm not being lazy about going to grad school... It's hard to say this without sounding "full of myself", but quite honestly, doing the application for grad school wasn't a worry for me. I was/am fortunate enough to basically be a shoo-in for whatever grad school I might choose, so while the application process would have been "important" (insofar as taking the time to write it out), it really wouldn't have been an issue. Laziness just doesn't factor in. As you mentioned, I paid good money for psychic guidance -- which was a greater factor than might be anticipated, since I actually agonized for weeks about whether or not I could even afford to get the reading. After picking up a couple of shifts of work a week, I made it work. Those who know me would know that the fact that I paid for the opportunity to receive the guidance would almost make it a surety that I would follow the advice given. Spending money would have made me more likely to do what was said. But yet, even the fact that I spent money on it, in the end, didn't tip the scale. I will admit, it did for a while. For a while, I thought "well, the guides said it, so that's what I'll do." But after I had made that decision, I became basically impossible to be around. I made the decision with my head to go with what the guides said, and as a result, those I love most were on eggshells with me for the greater part of a month.
As for listening to my heart, I can completely understand what you mean about doing the opposite just because someone says so. That was me for a large part of my life. "Marches to the beat of her own drum" was the comment I would always get from my family. I would say that I was just doing what "felt right", only to later learn that my ego was going on overdrive. But over time, I learned the difference. Gut instinct, intuition, listening to my heart... when I got quiet, and listened, I realized that they all said the same thing... and that it was often the very opposite of what my head (ego) was saying.
If I was making this choice rationally, based on what I wanted to do, based on the "I", I'd go to grad school. Why not? I could easily do it. Yet for the few weeks I had made that determination, I was miserable with my "decision". So I re-evaluated. Got quiet. Listened. And realized that I hadn't actually made the decision for myself, nor had I chosen what was best for myself. I had let the guides make the decision, I had let my advisors make the decision, I had let my friends and family make the decision... I had let rationality make the decision.
That being said... could I have made a mistake? Sure. That's why I will re-evaluate in time for next years' decision. Not going to grad school now doesn't mean never. It just means not now. I might get another reading at that point, might not. I might ask advisors, I might not. I might talk to friends and family, I don't know. What I do know is that the moment I made my choice not to apply, the wave of release washed over me. I wasn't in bondage to my "choice", I was a participant in it. I was no longer "impossible" to be around, and I could get back on with the business of living.
In the end, I'm on this path to learn as I go. Mistakes will be made. But I also learned long ago that a mistake isn't a bad thing so long as you learn from it. It's a process, a journey, and eventually, I will reach my destination.
Another long missive, but there it is... hopefully it will be of benefit to someone out there.
|