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Originally Posted by Angela  Seeker, do you think it's possible that in addition to "Je suis con", in that incident with being laughed at for having loving feelings toward that little girl, perhaps you made up your mind about love? |
The way I saw it back then, my mother and sister didn't really laugh at me because of my feelings for the girl but they laughed because I believed this girl liked me and they also laughed because I thought it would be normal for me and her to be romantically involved. To me that's a big difference from being laughed for having loving feelings - I was more laughed at because I thought someone else had loving feeling for me.
I definitely tend not to like it when others (other then a girl I'm deeply involved in a romantic relationship) express loving feelings toward me, when they express they care for me as a person, I do get all cold and defensive inside especially if it catches me off-guard and I didn't know it's coming. I guess I get so scared I might believe them and then I'd get hugely embarrassed and hurt for again for having believed them.
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Do you think maybe you decided that "Love is embarrassing" or shameful, or something else like that that leaves you protecting yourself from being laughed at again? Since it's just that initial part that's hard for you, like with the little girl, and you are okay with loving feelings one you are esconced in a relationship -- maybe there is something there.
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I've thought about this for a few hours, and I find I do resonate with the belief that "Love is stupid" and "Love is dangerous".......!!! (edit: It's funny I never would have thought I had those beliefs. Over the years, I've being careful and diligent on choosing very constructive and positive beliefs about love that I thought would be the most beneficial and work out best in a relationship and friendship, however I never realized I had those two beliefs about love leftover from when I was a kid)
I feel I'm good at receiving compliments when people compliment me on what I've done for example, complimenting me on a speech I've given, or complimenting me on my leadership performance - I get very humble and very "accepting" of their compliment and let them know how I appreciate their comments and it generates a feeling of bonding between the person complimenting me and myself. But if that same person, (outside of a close relationship or very close friendship) start talking about how they care for me as a person, or how they love me, or some variation of that that comes from their heart, then I instinctively tend to create the opposite - a feeling of distance and coldness, of "get away from me".
Got a bunch of beliefs I've got to change I see. (edit: I can see how those two beliefs about love and my way to acting toward people who express their caring and love for me helps protect me from the incident I had with my mother and sister. )