ha! i even refrain from updating because i feel like im being too clingy to the thread! sheesh. right now is hard because i am working out of town for a week. every minute that goes by where i dont hear from him, i freak out. i know in my head that all this stuff is irrational but my feelings still feel it. i dont like feeling these ways, but at least i know when its real and when its not. at least i think i do. i usually know my clinginess and neediness is only my inner child screaming and throwing a fit for love and attention. the feeling is still there though, and it sucks. i understand why it happens, it just still happens. like a scar on your face that you got in a horrible wreck long ago. sometimes you see it and it hurts so bad, the reminder of the memory. other times you dont even notice it. other times you notice and its no big deal. its probably triggered by the wave of my self esteem being at lower points. it is in general at a good healthy level i would think. sometimes its even sky high to the point of arrogance, and sometimes it goes back down, sometimes pretty low. i havent gotten way too low in a long time though. so i got that going for me.
sorry, i blab a lot when i write....
i do know i should talk to him. but for me, bringing up anything in my relationship is scary as hell. this might be part of my other "issue" with communication. when i was between the ages of 10 and 15, i had an almost daily lecture from my dad for hours about what i need to do to improve my life and how i need to change and all that good stuff. and everything i ever said was wrong, ridiculous, unacceptable, etc. so i have always had trouble communicating in my relationships. in my first REAL relationship, i found myself giving very similar lenghty degrading daily lectures to my partner. in my most recent relationship, i avoided talking about ANYTHING regarding problems of any sort. but sometimes i would explode. now i try to find a happy medium, but its scary. i still should though, at least talk to him about it, and how i feel and how i have this problem and i know i do and open myself to hearing from him that i am being that way. it helps me feel better about hearing it if i thank him for telling me. it also encourages him that its safe to tell me these things. sometimes i am tempted to ask him if i am being that way, but i am afraid that the question ITSELF is being clingy....
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