[martind19]

Hi Alison,

No I don't see myself as a People Pleaser. I do understand that type of person. I did read your article and know that's not really me. People pleasers have a strong sense of self-worth, it's just in doing for other people.

I'm more of a compulsive adapter in order to mesh with (idealized) others in the moment. I'm looking for a rescuer, a guide. I don't trust my inner self. Which goes without saying when the inner self is an unhinged boat on a restless sea.

I can't take criticism without wanting to tear down and change everything I do. Because my pride *is* in adapting. I can't not do it. And I can't take unacceptance from others, I need the approval. Yet I'm always changing the target of my efforts. Different people, groups, etc.

Through a lot of self-study already, I'm aware that by declaring a 'self', I'll feel separated from others. And I fear separation from those closest to me. That by being 'me' I'll turn people off, drive them away, cause harm in the world. Humiliate myself, etc.

It's impossible for me to be the end of the line of my own approval and self-worth. And with my attempted career, with so much seemingly weighing on 'crowd approval' or 'industry approval' (know any successful artist without approval from lots of people?), I'm having such a hard time.

Maybe my use of the word 'approval' is tripping me up.

As for being grateful, that's never worked for me. I take too much for granted. Life is just life, without me doing anything. I would have to see myself as being worth some sort of gift to be grateful for it. Or lacking and therefore glad to have received something, as if I'm subservient to some sort of holy giving machine.