[The Cloud]

Oh goodness, I just realized something! I figured out how I've been trying to get around "I can't win," before I knew about it. I knew that I was extremely smart and capable and talented, and that I could do anything I really set my mind to as long as I wasn't overly hindered. But I couldn't win, so all that didn't matter, I couldn't accomplish anything for myself. But other people could still win! As long as it wasn't a joint effort, as long as it wasn't actually for me or a part of my goals, as long as I couldn't directly benefit from it, I could help somebody else win! That's one (only one, there are many others) reason that this forum was so precious to me; it afforded me a chance to employ my formidable talents to good use in helping other people. In fact, a better use than in my usual life, because I don't have to lead by example on the forum. People only hear about the things that could help them and don't see me failing, so they can't ignore me just because I haven't actually accomplished anything.

That may be the reason I don't like being complimented for myself. I only like compliments that amount to "Wow, you helped me so much, thank you!" It is actually tormenting to hear about my positive qualities, because I know that they can't help me. It just twists the knife to hear that I'm doing a good job, because it's either a honeyed lie or an indicator that failure is imminent. But to know that I helped someone else, that is the real test of my abilities, because if I helped them then that means that my positive qualities actually did something.

That's why I feel no enthusiasm toward a career where I personally accomplish something, where I am a direct cause of success; only other people can win, not me. I keep finding myself trying to figure out how to form a career out of helping others. I don't want anything for myself, because I can't have anything, so I want to give it to others instead.

*After thinking about this further, I realized something really funny. I have a very healthy self-concept. I have little or no doubt about my abilities. It is my concept of the world that is holding me back. Maybe that's why I had so much trouble with the "I am" thing, because there is no problem with what I think I am. The difficulty is that I'm a perfect person living in a world that won't allow him to grow or flourish. Not at all what I expected I would think.