Someone sent me a PM, quoting this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bruce Achterberg  . Better to be authentic (although me being authentic--fully authentic--isn't something I'm sure I can do... I try my best, but there's a side--that I've mentioned in my above posts--that I'm yet to show. Glimpses, maybe, but not fully unrestrained). |
They asked me if I'd be more authentic if I wasn't posting under my real name. I thought it'd be useful to post my response in this thread. If the person who sent me the PM wants to come forward and talk about it in this thread, directly or indirectly, that's ok with me.
This is my response:
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While I am more mindful of being specific because people can tie events and names to things, no, I'm as authentic as I'd be with an alias.
I'm generally not specific, anyway, since it helps me have a measure of control. That's something ingrained in my personality, but perhaps some aspects of it I could work on.
When I was young I was very different to I am now... much more open and for lack of a better word, loving. My personality was the same, but I didn't have the resistance to that aspect of myself.
Going through school and all that kind of took it's toll, and I now have two sides: the very sensitive, very nurturing, very caring side, and a side that has more darkworker-like traits; that's hardened and "strong" (it's not really strength, just denying aspects of yourself so you go kind of neutral; it certainly makes you less present and "alive" in the energy sense). I never became a darkworker, but it's at least a mindset I'm familiar with and used to a degree for a period of years. I never got lost in it, though. My "core"--the side I hide--was always there to keep me honest and true to myself.
I thought these two aspects were parts of my personality a while back, but eventually I learned that it was more of a love and fear thing. Since then I've made lots of progress on being more myself, and more kind and caring, which comes naturally to me, but I have a lot of trouble fully letting go of my "shields"--my defenses--since, well, without them, it's just my true self and the world. That's inherently scary to me, since I know what people are like.
Without my "shields", I'd be absolutely honest, embrace my compassion, and love life unconditionally. (Absolute honesty means I'd express myself fully, all the time, every time, and be in alignment with that. I'm inherently optimistic and positive, so that works well, but I kind of take a beating for it--even now.) My issue has always been that it's very uncomfortable being like that with people around. People, honestly, are brutal. They may not intend to be so, but this side of me is very sensitive, so if I allow myself to fully be myself, it's going to be a bit rough--or so I imagine. But I also see that great power could come from that, since I'd finally be owning my power instead of neutralising it by ignoring emotion (something I don't do much any more) and avoiding what I am naturally drawn towards.
Again though, I fear what living like that could be like. E.g. Complete honesty combined with love probably means I'll get trampled by many people, mostly because they don't align with themselves. So I guess I'm holding myself back, because of the fear other people embody.
I can see how enormously counterproductive that is, but the alternative seems pretty uncomfortable, so I shirk away from it since that's the easier option.
You could say that I don't accept the full package, which is why I don't own my power, which is why I'm manifesting such issues as lack of being able to do what I love, which isn't really what I love if I look at it. It's what I "enjoy", but it is isolated from people. When I'm truly honest with myself, I know I want to help people. That doesn't mean I want to directly help them, since that's not where my talents really lie, but I care greatly for people, animals, and things in general, and that is really what I want to nurture. I just see no way of reasonably doing that, but first, I guess I have to own my power before I can help. And to do that, I need to let go of what stops me from truly being myself.
Postscript
Posting this post is a good example of what I talked about. E.g. I can "will" myself to post this and be direct and honest (I'm always honest, but I control my degree of directness to maintain control, which I use to protect myself), but I still fear the reaction people will have by doing it, or rather, putting myself out there where I'm vulnerable, so I kind of take the action, but I don't bring my full self along with it. That seems to create non-ideal results in terms of an effective lightworker.
It's easy to do stuff and take action; it's much harder to fully align your entire being with what you do. But that seems like it's what I must do (scary!).
I'd feel better if I had someone to do it with, and I even have someone in mind, but I'm kind of frozen when it comes to "doing it" in a way that I'm actually fully aligned with, and not just doing the action part while not bringing the rest along for the ride.
Interestingly, I show this side of myself to people who are close to me, but only when I know I can trust that I won't suffer to some degree. To the degree I think I will suffer, I hold back. One of my greatest desires is a someone who will accept me as I am, so I can fully be myself.
Perhaps the answer is to let go of the relationships where I can't fully be myself, since they aren't worth holding onto if I can't fully be myself with them, but I honestly don't see how that can be possible. As in, I can't even envision it (which is unusual, since I can usually imagine things to a certain degree). Unless it's more of a "before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water; after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water" thing where *I* change, not necessarily all the people (although I imagine my relationships would be very different if I fully embraced myself).