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CroMagna · 07-22-2008, 12:34 AM

I really need help here. I am in constant pain and anguish all day long. I'm in hell. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do.

I feel as if no one in the world respects me. I feel like I am disrespected all day long. I feel I'm disrespected because I'm what some people consider a "slut" or a "ho" (because I have liberal views about sex and because I'm bi). I feel mainly that I'm disrespected because I'm not aggressive like most people, I am very passive, have a suburban accent, and don't know how to mouth off to people. I just sit there or say something weak and look stupid. All day long I have negative thoughts where people yell at me and call me a stupid ho and tell me to get over sexism, they yell GET OVER IT! really rudely. A lot of ghetto girls end up in these thoughts and they tell me off completely in front of everyone (in the thoughts). I'm afraid to be around my peers. I'm afraid of being publicly humiliated by them and mouthed off to in a very aggressive "ghetto" way. I'm afraid of being beaten and raped and having no one care. I'm afraid of girls circling me embarassing in me in public. I'm afraid of men making fun of me.

I have talked to several therapists, both male and female, black and white, American and non-American, who have all said that I must have a deep abiding acceptance of my sexuality, no matter what I choose it to be. I have learned to accept that I am different from most people. Through my religion, I learned to celebrate my differences and found others like me.

But society is still waiting with open arms to torment me. I have tried only associating with people in my religion, but that's completely impossible, as there aren't that many of us and we're spread out. I've tried self-exile, but you eventually have to be around people. And you eventually have to talk to them and be friendly towards them. I've tried fighting back by declaring my religion, you know, as a way of intimidating people. I don't think people are intimidated, I think they just find it weird. If they were intimidated, the playing field would be level and I would feel protected.

I don't know what to do about this disrespect and the anger and hatred it has bred. It's on my mind all the time. I ask myself, what can I DO about my hate? What can I DO about my anger? What can I DO about the disrespect? What can I DO to fight back against the sexism, like how people fight against racism? I'm so depressed about sexism and about not being respected as I am. I am an outcast in the black community. It's overwhelming. I don't want to condone injustice, but I can see the appeal of Muslim countries where the women have to stay inside and cover their faces when they come out. I wish I could live like that. Then I wouldn't have to feel so ashamed all the time. I wouldn't be part of the world and no one would know me.

07-22-2008, 12:34 AM	#1 (permalink)
CroMagna Family Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1,975	I'm in constant pain I really need help here. I am in constant pain and anguish all day long. I'm in hell. I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what to do. I feel as if no one in the world respects me. I feel like I am disrespected all day long. I feel I'm disrespected because I'm what some people consider a "slut" or a "ho" (because I have liberal views about sex and because I'm bi). I feel mainly that I'm disrespected because I'm not aggressive like most people, I am very passive, have a suburban accent, and don't know how to mouth off to people. I just sit there or say something weak and look stupid. All day long I have negative thoughts where people yell at me and call me a stupid ho and tell me to get over sexism, they yell GET OVER IT! really rudely. A lot of ghetto girls end up in these thoughts and they tell me off completely in front of everyone (in the thoughts). I'm afraid to be around my peers. I'm afraid of being publicly humiliated by them and mouthed off to in a very aggressive "ghetto" way. I'm afraid of being beaten and raped and having no one care. I'm afraid of girls circling me embarassing in me in public. I'm afraid of men making fun of me. I have talked to several therapists, both male and female, black and white, American and non-American, who have all said that I must have a deep abiding acceptance of my sexuality, no matter what I choose it to be. I have learned to accept that I am different from most people. Through my religion, I learned to celebrate my differences and found others like me. But society is still waiting with open arms to torment me. I have tried only associating with people in my religion, but that's completely impossible, as there aren't that many of us and we're spread out. I've tried self-exile, but you eventually have to be around people. And you eventually have to talk to them and be friendly towards them. I've tried fighting back by declaring my religion, you know, as a way of intimidating people. I don't think people are intimidated, I think they just find it weird. If they were intimidated, the playing field would be level and I would feel protected. I don't know what to do about this disrespect and the anger and hatred it has bred. It's on my mind all the time. I ask myself, what can I DO about my hate? What can I DO about my anger? What can I DO about the disrespect? What can I DO to fight back against the sexism, like how people fight against racism? I'm so depressed about sexism and about not being respected as I am. I am an outcast in the black community. It's overwhelming. I don't want to condone injustice, but I can see the appeal of Muslim countries where the women have to stay inside and cover their faces when they come out. I wish I could live like that. Then I wouldn't have to feel so ashamed all the time. I wouldn't be part of the world and no one would know me.