Hey Monique (and others who are feeling resonance with where she's at),
I had kind of a breakthrough realization at a point in my life where I thought I'd made a lot of progress in a particular area, only to discover that I had been presented with a situation that I'd gotten into thinking it was one thing, until it revealed itself as yet another manifestation of an old, unhealthy pattern I used to sink a lot of energy into, which had caused me great misery and from which I thought I had broken and moved on. After all, I was *very* conscious that I wanted a newer, healthier situation!
Like yours, my heart sank, and I felt like giving up. "What's the use...obviously this is all I'm ever going to get offered in life, more of the same old crap," etc.
But what I *did* have was that consciousness that I wanted a different situation. I had been down this path before and I knew where it would lead; I knew if I kept following as I had in the past, it would suck up a lot of energy and time, and leave me feeling very unhappy, drained, used, exploited, and bitter.
So this time I changed my response. I chose not to engage with that path and I walked away. It was still a very hard decision and I almost didn't make that choice, because I wanted to hope that I could stay engaged and somehow make it turn out better, because I wanted to believe that the situation was what I originally thought it was, and not what it turned out to be, because walking away still represented a loss that felt painful to me. I grieved a lot over the decision and wondered if I was making a big mistake. I felt like I didn't know what was the right choice anymore.
The breakthrough I referred to came when I was pissing and moaning about how I thought I'd done the work to avoid those situations anymore, yet ended up with another one. Suddenly I realized-- or had it downloaded into my head, perhaps-- that that was the point of the whole thing. I *thought* I'd done that work. But now I'd written a new ending to that kind of story. Now I have reason to *know* I've done work on that area. I was given the exact same situation to test whether I'd fall back on the same old responses and reactions, or whether I'd take what I learned and worked on and try something different.
I wouldn't be surprised if I encounter that kind of situation a few more times, and then maybe once in a great while after that, in order to make me "practice" making better choices in an area that was a major struggle for me, and then just to keep me on my toes.
When and if it does, I intend that I will have the keen eye and wisdom to know it!
The path of personal development is an initiatory path, and no serious initiation comes without the need to pass certain tests or overcome certain challenges. Those challenges are *always* going to be the things that are the most insidious and difficult for you personally. They're always going to be the things you've "failed" at in the past, the things most likely to tempt you to stray and to give up and give in, to betray the values you're trying to adopt and the beliefs you're trying to build. They will be your personal demons. "Demon" comes from the Greek "daimon" meaning "guiding/teaching spirit". Your demons are your daimons, the guardians at the gate who challenge you and try to frighten you off in the ways that are most likely to work on you. They don't *really* want you to fail. They want you to meet their challenges and dig deep in yourself to find what you need to succeed at them. And then they'll let you pass and travel further.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Personal growth feels like going crazy, but really it's going sane. You grow when you're presented with the same situation and realize that you have to do something differently this time.
The things you mentioned about getting reiki and the kind of energy work you've been doing make me think these might be useful to you (I hope, not like I'm personally invested or anything
):
What Is Awakening? The Shadow Side Of Awakening
Don't give up. You're on the verge of something magnificent.