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openyourize · 07-21-2008, 06:40 AM

at the beginning of this year, I ended a 3 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend because he was lost and depressed and a pothead and he was just bringing me down all the time. On the day I was moving out of our house, and I saw it empty and looking just like the day we moved in, I had somewhat of a breakdown and kept asking myself, "WHY did I EVER go out with him?? WHY did I stay so long?? Was I trying to punish myself??" I was never really happy with him the entire time I was with him. I never even really liked him. I loved him because I cared about him, he was cute in his own way and he was mysterious and interesting, but he actually kind of repulsed me.... I was comfortable, somehow, but not really happy.

Now I am with someone new. Someone I am crazy about and he is crazy about me. We are the happiest dorks together. It is wonderful. After 5 months of being together, the newness of it is beginning to wear off and I find myself becoming more and more needy and clingy, just like I used to be with my boyfriends when I was much younger. I am also feeling very jealous and posessive, and I feel MISERABLE when I have to be away from him for any length of time. I had thought years ago that I was over this kind of obsessive behavior. It was always destructive in all my relationships.

I now realize that the reason I spent so long with my ex was because I felt safe with him. I always felt like I was above him or "better" than him in some way. With him, I never had to worry about feeling insecure, because I didn't care what he thought of me. I never had to worry I was doing something wrong, cuz if something was wrong, it was SURELY because of him. of course. and i never had to worry about getting my heart broken because if he left me, oh well. theres more fish in the sea.

now i am repulsed with MYSELF knowing that i was in this relationship for so long with such a DISPICABLE underlying motive! i thought i had come so far in my self improvement work, when actually i was just hiding from it.

so, back to the drawing board.

i think this has to do with my abandonment issues. My parents are divorced, my mom left unexpectedly, and when I was a teenager one day i was given a surprise trip to military school 1000 miles away for 4 months. I consider that abandonment because my dad and stepmom gave up on me. (on a side note, i wasnt even that bad. I was a grouchy teenager, and i wasnt doing very good in school, but thats all. i wasnt doing drugs or having sex or staying out late, i just wrote poetry in my room all day. Even the military school people said they weren't sure why I was sent there and that it's probably a good thing I was away from my parents. HA!) When I was finished there, they didn't want me to come back, neither did my mom. they had a hard time figuring out where to put me. people fought about NOT taking me. SOO i consider this abandonment issues. And it appears to still be affecting me and I am deathly afraid I am going to sabotage my new wonderful relationship.

anyone have any tips on dealing with these issues?

07-21-2008, 06:40 AM	#1 (permalink)
openyourize Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Chicago area, IL Posts: 152	abandonment issues at the beginning of this year, I ended a 3 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend because he was lost and depressed and a pothead and he was just bringing me down all the time. On the day I was moving out of our house, and I saw it empty and looking just like the day we moved in, I had somewhat of a breakdown and kept asking myself, "WHY did I EVER go out with him?? WHY did I stay so long?? Was I trying to punish myself??" I was never really happy with him the entire time I was with him. I never even really liked him. I loved him because I cared about him, he was cute in his own way and he was mysterious and interesting, but he actually kind of repulsed me.... I was comfortable, somehow, but not really happy. Now I am with someone new. Someone I am crazy about and he is crazy about me. We are the happiest dorks together. It is wonderful. After 5 months of being together, the newness of it is beginning to wear off and I find myself becoming more and more needy and clingy, just like I used to be with my boyfriends when I was much younger. I am also feeling very jealous and posessive, and I feel MISERABLE when I have to be away from him for any length of time. I had thought years ago that I was over this kind of obsessive behavior. It was always destructive in all my relationships. I now realize that the reason I spent so long with my ex was because I felt safe with him. I always felt like I was above him or "better" than him in some way. With him, I never had to worry about feeling insecure, because I didn't care what he thought of me. I never had to worry I was doing something wrong, cuz if something was wrong, it was SURELY because of him. of course. and i never had to worry about getting my heart broken because if he left me, oh well. theres more fish in the sea. now i am repulsed with MYSELF knowing that i was in this relationship for so long with such a DISPICABLE underlying motive! i thought i had come so far in my self improvement work, when actually i was just hiding from it. so, back to the drawing board. i think this has to do with my abandonment issues. My parents are divorced, my mom left unexpectedly, and when I was a teenager one day i was given a surprise trip to military school 1000 miles away for 4 months. I consider that abandonment because my dad and stepmom gave up on me. (on a side note, i wasnt even that bad. I was a grouchy teenager, and i wasnt doing very good in school, but thats all. i wasnt doing drugs or having sex or staying out late, i just wrote poetry in my room all day. Even the military school people said they weren't sure why I was sent there and that it's probably a good thing I was away from my parents. HA!) When I was finished there, they didn't want me to come back, neither did my mom. they had a hard time figuring out where to put me. people fought about NOT taking me. SOO i consider this abandonment issues. And it appears to still be affecting me and I am deathly afraid I am going to sabotage my new wonderful relationship. anyone have any tips on dealing with these issues?