[jaamkie]

well not relationship feedback, I'm kinda exhausted by dating and taking break from that; and not career feedback- I've received that, and appreciate its accuracy, but I don't care much about my current job, and I'm trying to figure out what I do want in a more general sense- anyway, to quote from some recent emails.....

motivations/ideally what I want to be:

I do love other people (beings? earthlings?)- both personally family and friends, and in a general way that makes me care about conflict and suffering in the world- that's definitely part of my motivation in life. Also somehow, in a selfish way, appreciation of art and beauty and all that stuff I can't put into words is quite important- the worst feeling for me is feeling empty, like I don't have any emotions or thoughts to express, like I can't sense that inner spirit in each of us, like I could see a beautiful sunset or a beautiful painting or hear a beautiful song and feel nothing.

I think rather than wanting to own any particular physical things, or to have any particular social standing, or to accomplish any particular achievement, what I want is to become a particular sort of person: perceptive, wise, compassionate, independent, and creative. I want to be a clear conduit, overflowing with God's love and strength and wisdom, so much that I can live each day continually outpouring, giving to others, and yet never run dry.

where I think I'm at:

Had dinner with my parents- good food, good conversation, toward the end asked them what they thought my biggest flaws were- mom's first comment was "idealism"- though she says I've improved in being somewhat practical, but I have to realize that things don't always work out in practice as I idealize them, that people aren't as good as I believe... dad's first comment was "passivity"- that I sometimes just go along with things and let them happen to me, like work or relationships etc, instead of actively having a plan... then dad's second comment was "timeliness"- which I expected (though I arrived on time to the restaurant tonight!), I have a bad habit of running late- he's right, it is rude, and it is something I'm trying to improve... then mom's second comment was "keeping in touch with people"- that I don't initiate enough conversations/plans with them, with my sis, with my cousins, etc; though she says I've much improved on the past, and she gives me credit for commitment to my grandparents- again probably she's right, I get lazy and prefer to sit at home alone instead of always being around other people that I often find exhausting...

If I try to analyze myself, I think my current most obvious flaws would be:
selfishness- that basically I haven't fully committed myself to caring for others equally to myself- I'm mostly selfish and only occasionally generous/giving, even though when I push myself to be more caring, I'm actually a happier person myself as well...
carelessness- being lazy about taking care of all the little details, being lazy about completing things, being lazy even in my thought process, not noticing things or not being careful enough with people's feelings just out of lazy selfish blunt honesty
uncriticality/indiscriminate tastes- that maybe I take seeing the good in things too far, to the point of refusing to criticize even things that really deserve criticism, particularly that I am uncritical of my own efforts and my own flaws more than anything else- so also arrogance mixed with this...